Wow. That title probably brings quite the mental image...but it was what popped into my head for the blog title...so I went with it. :-) Might make more sense after this blog is done. I'm feeling pretty sad about the dramatic rumor mess I"ve gotten myself in to at work. I feel like I"m playing this game of acting out certain situations that appear certain ways and setting up the possibilities for more rumors as a kind of test to those who've claimed that they are my friends or that they "know" the real me. It's really a crazy cycle because the perspective that I give to those around me at work is NOT really reflective of my actual life or who I am. So, I do this....and then I get upset when people at work label me and perceive me as a promiscuous psychotic bitch whore woman. It's a vicious cycle. Unfortunately I've managed to turn the people away from me in a really drastic way. It sucks because the very one I was hoping to get to know better has developed such a horrid perspective of me that every time he sees me, he calls me some mean name or accuses me of sleeping with everyone. Each of those comments from him really cuts me to the core because he just doesn't trust me or see me as I really am. He just doesn't see that I am a very good person and I really, truly don't ever want to hurt anyone else. I guess it's a lesson in respect for myself. I can't really hold it against him for talking so much crap to me because he's the only one I really did act like a promiscuous whore with. So it makes sense that he suspects me doing it with other people. The reality is though...that I"m not. I just continually played stupid games because I didn't want to be the one coming across like some crazy attached woman....which in turn was exactly what happened. Grrrrrr. I just wish him and I were capable of communicating and keeping some sort of friendship so we don't destroy each other at our work. He's made it very clear he doesn't want to date me. I get that. I'm fine with that. Maybe I just really need to learn to know when it's ok to let go of people. Not everyone's going to like me. I don't mind that at all. I just don't think there's a need to ever treat other people like crap and I think it's necessary to get to know someone wholeheartedly before judging them. People have soooooo many defenses and the majority of what people do is usually based on their own simple defensive reactions. I just with people could communicate better. Me included. Seems like I always successfully push away the people I really care about. Oh well. Lessons learned I guess.
chef_jeff:
Life is hard... Love is indeed even harder. I found out the hard way that relationships at work have a nasty way of going from bad to worse. I certainly think that you can communicate very well seeing that u can express things like this in a medium such as this. You seem to be an individual with a lot of depth and clearly a lot of beauty. Drama sucks but it is every where around all of us. Just keep you head up and I'm sure it will work out. Sadly it doesn't seem like this man deserves your affection if he won't take the time to find out what is really going on.
sugarcloud5150:
Oh my gosh. You are sweet. Thanks. The worst part is I cant really blame him even though I do. It just always baffles me how some people have such a hard time being honest. Sometimes honesty is brutal.....but it always is the prefferred respected way to go. You could tell me you have twenty ladies youre fucking and a wife on the side and I would be ecstatic for your truthfullness and probably join in as girl twenty one. I firmly believe there is no betrayal when there is honesty.