(Lifted from my blog , please check it out!)
I think its strange how much your opinion of someone can change just by being in their presence.
That hate or contenpt you have can do a complete 180 and effect you in a more profound way.
Im not saying I like it. I like feeling more control than I did last night. But I dont dislike it, either. Its different, and in my day-to-day monotony, I welcome everything different.
I think part of it is that Ive known her so long. I dont have to waste time going through all those bullshit, repetitive motions like I do with other people.
Maybe I I hadnt seen her for six months or longer, it may take a few moments of catching up, but somehow we always manage to pick up where we left off.
Shes witnessed me change from what I was, to who I am. She nay witness it again. Other people have seen it too, but shes the only one who has felt confident enough in her observation to actually vocalise it.
I dont want to admit to myself that the reason the hate and contempt springs up when Im not in her presence is because I miss her. Ill never admit that.
Hate is easier than longing or cowering, which I am expert at, by the way. With her, its far easier to switch on. I like to think that to a degree she does the same with me.
The strangest and best thing though is that were still exploring one another after all these years, and we are still finding new things hidden within each of us.
I dont know what to say or to feel or to think. I just know that im indecisive. And right now, I feel hate.
Hate which I think may be affection wearing a mask.
Im sure Im going to over-think this post. I wouldnt be me if I didnt.
Josh is coming over tonight. The galaxy will burn, you watch. In the meantime, Im heading to work. For fun and games and sex and drugs.
Love and kittens,
Brian
I think its strange how much your opinion of someone can change just by being in their presence.
That hate or contenpt you have can do a complete 180 and effect you in a more profound way.
Im not saying I like it. I like feeling more control than I did last night. But I dont dislike it, either. Its different, and in my day-to-day monotony, I welcome everything different.
I think part of it is that Ive known her so long. I dont have to waste time going through all those bullshit, repetitive motions like I do with other people.
Maybe I I hadnt seen her for six months or longer, it may take a few moments of catching up, but somehow we always manage to pick up where we left off.
Shes witnessed me change from what I was, to who I am. She nay witness it again. Other people have seen it too, but shes the only one who has felt confident enough in her observation to actually vocalise it.
I dont want to admit to myself that the reason the hate and contempt springs up when Im not in her presence is because I miss her. Ill never admit that.
Hate is easier than longing or cowering, which I am expert at, by the way. With her, its far easier to switch on. I like to think that to a degree she does the same with me.
The strangest and best thing though is that were still exploring one another after all these years, and we are still finding new things hidden within each of us.
I dont know what to say or to feel or to think. I just know that im indecisive. And right now, I feel hate.
Hate which I think may be affection wearing a mask.
Im sure Im going to over-think this post. I wouldnt be me if I didnt.
Josh is coming over tonight. The galaxy will burn, you watch. In the meantime, Im heading to work. For fun and games and sex and drugs.
Love and kittens,
Brian