stillbreathing

First thing first: I'm a happy guy. I'm happily chipper, sarcastic, and sunny. Not the annoying kind either. I know when to shut the fuck up. But right now...hmmm....lost, I think. I feel like I'm wandering, not quite taking steps I need to take, but I'm not taking them cause...why? I don't know...I don't even know what steps I need to take. All I see are road blocks lately. And that's not good.

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I missed the deadline for the "Toronto Film Festival." Fuck. Dammit, shit, fuck. I can't believe I let this one slide! I've been waiting to enter my film in this festival ALL YEAR! I've dreamed of being in Toronto, selling my film at this awesome fest. But now? No, a dream will have to do. Not that it's the end of the road or anything (I"m being slightly over-dramatic, as all of us "actor types" like to do). There's tons of other fests my film will be shown in. I just...I don't know. I shouldn't have spaced on this one.

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I want a girlfiend. I want more money. I want a job where I don't have to spend every single day of my life there just so I can pay rent and have some sort of spending money. I want to not have to eat Roman Noodles for a week out of each month cause things get so tight.... I want sex. I want hard, ear piercing, sweaty sex. And then I want romance. Candles. Soft music. And kisses on my ears. I want my film to be released Worldwide, to be seen in every state, Canada, Australia, Sweeden, London, France, Israel, etc, etc etcetera.... I want good music to hit the radio once again. I want Ashlee Simpson to roll over and die (not really, but I do want her to go away. Far, far away. Perhaps on a long trip with Hillary Duff and newly skinny and bitchy Lindsay "Oh my God my song isn't in the right place in the film" Lohan. Maybe they'll all become fast friends and make "Herbie 2: Electric Boogaloo. Wouldn't that be a treat?). I want people to realize that we're all geniuses, and we've all "got it," every one of us are soooo beautiful, and we all need to just fucking JUMP. With out eyes closed. With our breath held and fingers crossed. And if we all do this, and we will, then we'll start seeing other people all around us jumping too, which will make us smile, laugh, and want to catch them as they fall, cause we'll need that catch too. We'll catch them, they'll laugh, and return that favor one day. In a city with very little human connection, I want to know my neighbor. I want that human contact we all long for so much. I want it. I need it. So do you.

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I want some Twizzlers too. They're delicious.