Two seconds of happiness is what I would like to find in my life but it doesn't really exist.
As I'm talking to my friend tonight he's telling me that he's going to be going to Japan to teach english. I've always dreamed of doing that... then it hits me that I hate him. I hate him with all of the force of my being because everything comes easily to him. I don't mean that he's smart or anything like that but things just kind of fall into his lap. Last summer he worked for Disney World as a character... so he got to go live in florida for several months, his school let him take time off because technically the disney thing was an internship program, he's the captain of his school fencing team, he is the president of his anime club and they actually respect him, one of his professors got him to give a lecture to one of his other classes and he's an undergrad! People like this really really really piss me off and I hate them.
Why? You ask.
Because....
Everything is an uphill battle for me. I'm only 19 and I already have a house paid for free and clear, I have a black lab, and I have 4 rats. But that's all I have. I don't have school... because they are mean and evil... I don't have friends... because I don't live on main campus at the college everyone goes to... I have a boyfriend... but he lives 1000 miles away... I have parents... that want to move to Chicago and I fight with them all the time anyhow. I'm trapped. Christian has promised to come home and marry me. I love him but that's so far away and then I stop and think about if I really want to deal with someone with schizophrenia for the rest of my life. I love him to death but that's a big decision in itself... he's medicated and everything and he's fine as long as he takes his meds but I just don't know. And about the house... yes I have it... I have a secure place to live... BUT... in having the house I'm bound here. I can't leave or else I have to sell it... and my grandmother left it to me and I'm a very sentimental person. Right now more than anything I need a friend but I don't have any local friends that don't try to use me for something. I'm trying really really hard not to do like I did the other day... I got really worked up and started crying hysterically over the stupidest thing and I ended up having a drink to calm me down. I don't even want to start thinking about doing that again. I won't smoke, I refuse to, not an option. Both of my grandparents on my mom's side passed away from lung cancer. So the only real escape from anything I have left is alcohol... which I also don't want to get into because alcoholism runs in my family as well. I completely blew up at my mom the other night because she was, yet again, complaining about the kitchen being messy. I'm sorry I don't use the remaining hours left on a day when I work to clean up the kitchen that isn't THAT messy in MY house because I'm stressed out.. I guess I'm just so irresponsible (this after coming home from working 8 hours at the store where I was helping run the floor and train a new person... and after a weekend where I spent a whole saturday working my club's booth at a con because my co-president flaked to go watch anime and play DDR). But that's how she sees me I guess.
I apologize if you read this entry and are mad at me for sounding depressed and angry but right now I am depressed and angry. I don't have any faith left in anything... my one friend is trying to get me to go to church with her but I refused. I mean... I hate to be cynical but that god only brought me more pain and loss in my young life than most people should have to deal with. I'm not allowed to practice what I believe in because my mom cries and cries when I even mention it. *sigh*
As I'm talking to my friend tonight he's telling me that he's going to be going to Japan to teach english. I've always dreamed of doing that... then it hits me that I hate him. I hate him with all of the force of my being because everything comes easily to him. I don't mean that he's smart or anything like that but things just kind of fall into his lap. Last summer he worked for Disney World as a character... so he got to go live in florida for several months, his school let him take time off because technically the disney thing was an internship program, he's the captain of his school fencing team, he is the president of his anime club and they actually respect him, one of his professors got him to give a lecture to one of his other classes and he's an undergrad! People like this really really really piss me off and I hate them.
Why? You ask.
Because....
Everything is an uphill battle for me. I'm only 19 and I already have a house paid for free and clear, I have a black lab, and I have 4 rats. But that's all I have. I don't have school... because they are mean and evil... I don't have friends... because I don't live on main campus at the college everyone goes to... I have a boyfriend... but he lives 1000 miles away... I have parents... that want to move to Chicago and I fight with them all the time anyhow. I'm trapped. Christian has promised to come home and marry me. I love him but that's so far away and then I stop and think about if I really want to deal with someone with schizophrenia for the rest of my life. I love him to death but that's a big decision in itself... he's medicated and everything and he's fine as long as he takes his meds but I just don't know. And about the house... yes I have it... I have a secure place to live... BUT... in having the house I'm bound here. I can't leave or else I have to sell it... and my grandmother left it to me and I'm a very sentimental person. Right now more than anything I need a friend but I don't have any local friends that don't try to use me for something. I'm trying really really hard not to do like I did the other day... I got really worked up and started crying hysterically over the stupidest thing and I ended up having a drink to calm me down. I don't even want to start thinking about doing that again. I won't smoke, I refuse to, not an option. Both of my grandparents on my mom's side passed away from lung cancer. So the only real escape from anything I have left is alcohol... which I also don't want to get into because alcoholism runs in my family as well. I completely blew up at my mom the other night because she was, yet again, complaining about the kitchen being messy. I'm sorry I don't use the remaining hours left on a day when I work to clean up the kitchen that isn't THAT messy in MY house because I'm stressed out.. I guess I'm just so irresponsible (this after coming home from working 8 hours at the store where I was helping run the floor and train a new person... and after a weekend where I spent a whole saturday working my club's booth at a con because my co-president flaked to go watch anime and play DDR). But that's how she sees me I guess.
I apologize if you read this entry and are mad at me for sounding depressed and angry but right now I am depressed and angry. I don't have any faith left in anything... my one friend is trying to get me to go to church with her but I refused. I mean... I hate to be cynical but that god only brought me more pain and loss in my young life than most people should have to deal with. I'm not allowed to practice what I believe in because my mom cries and cries when I even mention it. *sigh*
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
rahepsi:
I was reading your profile, I found a picture of me that might cheer you up a bit. ;>
kittyxxx:
got my hair falls from ebay, they have some cool ones on there at times. i was going to make my own but was easier to buy them! 