So, I finally caved and got myself some glasses. My eyesight has gotten worse since my Army days. I think it's an improvement though.
Anyways, it's been quite a ride. I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that my ex fiance has moved on. It's a painful thing. Especially since we have a son together. But, as I sat seething I asked myself if its about her moving on or if it's about me not moving on.
I absolutely detest being single. The lonely bed, not having someone to idly chat with. It's definitely a mind fuck. It doesn't help that I have a hard time meeting girls. Though my son lives with her (she's a great mother and I don't worry about him being neglected) I have two other daughters whom I have custody of. So, it's pretty hard for me to get out and meet anyone. Being that as it may I turned to online dating again. Now I have the honor of feeling rejected day after day. I've sent numerous emails and have gotten no response back. But that's not my complaint. I'm extremely picky myself. I know I have high standards but I will never lower them. I would rather be alone than settle for someone who doesn't click with me. I also have to force myself to not have a victim mentality. I find myself often thinking that women don't find themselves attracted to me because I'm in a wheelchair. It's really hard to convince myself otherwise but it is a really strong and persistent thought.
My complaint is that of the two responses I have received they both ended the same way. We go from email to text, we text for a week or two and then, suddenly, silence. I can't stand this. I think of myself as an intelligent and reasonable man. If, for some reason, you no longer feel that connection, tell me. What kind of person does oneself plan to attract if when you feel uncomfortable you merely ignore the situation. There was a third woman that responded to me with she doesn't see it going anywhere and I was fine with that. I was elated to see that someone thought well enough of me to explain her thoughts and feelings. I said 'thank you' and I moved on. I've also given out my number in person dozens of times to women I've met while I was out. I would give out my number after we would have an hour or two conversation. We would talk, laugh and, I thought, really hit it off. Then, I give them my number and the would proceed to tell me "oh, yeah, I'm definitely giving you a call tomorrow". Next day, silence. Come on, don't get a guys hopes up and hide behind anonymity and avoidance! If you enjoyed our conversation but would rather just leave it as a coincidence encounter, fine. Why does no one tell the truth anymore? Why does no one confront life with strength an confidence? I take these things personally and feel like they thought I wasn't smart enough, mature enough, or strong enough to take the truth. Agh! what a pain.
Well, that concludes my rant. Tomorrow I'm off to pay for my Kriss super V (the firearm from my previous post). Unfortunately it probably won't be in my possession for like another five months. It's considered a short barreled rifle and requires filing and permission from the ATF to obtain. On top of that I have to pay an extra $200 tax stamp to own a short barreled rifle (SBR). It comes in two different configurations; Pistol (5.5" barrel but no buttstock) and rifle (buttstock and 16" barrel) but they look nowhere as near as cool as the SBR.