sqxcm

Still enraged at myself. Although I forgot to mention that Kate pleasantly surprised me when I told her about it. I thought she was gonna go, ugh gram! blah blah blah stuff that would make me feel worse, but she didn't. She said, oh gram and hugged me and asked if I was alright. Strangely again, Michael was the dick about it. And when I realized it and asked him to stop and just let it go, he wouldn't. And yet I still told Kate. Sometimes I wonder how good my reflexes are. I'm so like the little kid who gets burned by the stove but comes back for more. Fucking idiot.

So I worked with Chad yesterday. I hadn't seen him in two weeks and I guess I kind of forgot how good he looks. And I'd never seen him without a hat on until yesterday, maybe that was part of it. I was so intimidated I couldn't even look straight at him half of the time. Plus I'm still really depressed about the accident.
I said I hadn't seen him in twelve years, and he said he took off last week to go to California. I started going on about how jealous I was, because... it's California. Then he said, but wait, I didn't go because (and then there was a dramatic pause) Iwassupposedtogowithmygirlfriend (another dramatic pause) but we broke up. He had this smile on his face, that, if I was an egotist like my dad, I would assume meant that he wanted me. As it is, I might assume his girlfriend was an asshole and he's happy they're not together anymore.
I just looked down and blushed, mumbled something about how that sucked. Truthfully, I'd thought he was single. So either I was picking up on things that weren't there, or he's the kind of asshole to find someone else before he's done with his current girlfriend, OR he saw it coming and it was her fault, she was just an asshole. Of course I'd like to assume the last, but I won't. I won't assume anything. Maybe he'll tell me. I'll see him again today, so we'll see.
Hmm... the whole thing just bothers me. I don't know what to think about any of it. He mentioned something to Tony (another kid I work with) about Tony's date that night, and asked if she had any hot friends. So maybe it's egotistic to hope that he said it just for my benefit, so I'd know he's looking. Yeah, it is. But Tony's reaction to it was weird, like it wasn't the kind of thing they would talk about. Plus I'm a conspiracy theorist. Just as a hobby. Seriously, though, it bothered me that he's looking for someone else (someone "hot," not nice, or intelligent, or... well, me, dammit) so soon and so not me.
I don't know... I don't think I want to get to know him. He'll just be disappointed. He'll find out that I'm a clutz and a mess and crazy and disappointing. And dating someone you work with is bad. It probably wouldn't work out and I'd be stuck working with him all the time. Plus he probably sleeps around a lot. Because he's hot and because he JUST broke up with his girlfriend and already wants another one. Either he just didn't care about her or he doesn't want to be alone, ever or he wanted me to hear it, either to see my reaction or so that I'd know.
So I'm making excuses. Lots of them.
::shakes head:: Nice black hair... what's a girl to do? I'm like a moth to the flame.