I'm so depressed. Bush won, and legally this time. I'm gaining weight (and I can visibly tell. ) I'm going to blame it on three things: 1) I go to Michael's house for home cooked meals (with lots of potatoes) late at night. 2) Katie left and I have nobody to run with or keep me motivated by competition AND companionship. 3) I've been lonely and depressed and anxious since Kate left, which means I don't have the motivation to exercise, and if I did I'd feel too nervous doing it by myself. Plus I eat more junk food, both because of boredom and anxiety. What I could really use is a boyfriend, because sex would help with three things: exercise, companionship, and fun. As it is, I'm getting fat, lonely, and bored.
Too bad that won't happen. It's this damn social anxiety and fear of happiness. I'm too nervous to make a move, to start a conversation, to let someone in far enough to hurt me. Because I know from many experiences, no, wait, all my experiences that if you let someone in and you're happy, they can (and, in my case, usually do) hurt you that much more. Plus you go through withdrawl, because you had something good and it was taken away. So it's two hurts in one. Life really knows how to screw me. I'm not sure what exactly I believe spiritually, but if there is such thing as reincarnation, I was such an asshole last time around.
Oh, and this is kind of childish and immature, but Katie called me her best friend the other day and it made me happy. It's petty and ridiculous and very elementary school, but it did. I guess because she always calls Bobby (her ex?-boyfriend) that and I don't know where I fit in and I worry if I'm not (wait, I'm going to be selfish for a second) first priority. I worry that I'm not important enough to people for them to not be able to live without me. I need people to depend on me so that I can depend on them in other ways. Because if somebody depends on you, really needs you, they won't fuck with you, right?
Ah! I just looked online and I have 92 cents in the bank. I had a bunch of money, I was starting a decent savings, but I blew it all because all I'd been doing is saving and I got tired of being a tightwad. I thought, hey, I should buy myself everything I want, I fucking deserve it. Apparently not. What happened was a check just went through that I wrote a month ago and I'd forgotten about it. I really should write stuff down instead of just checking online. Well, I guess I'll have to put my cash in the bank. I'm just glad I didn't overdraw or get declined. How embarassing that would be. Especially since I just bought stuff at Hollister and they said not to bounce checks or anything with them or they'd be awfully pissed. And isn't it strange that at EatnPark today I decided to pay with cash instead of debit? Luck was on my side for once! Oh, this debit card will be the end of my money!
Okay, I'm done with the self pity and the whining for today.
Too bad that won't happen. It's this damn social anxiety and fear of happiness. I'm too nervous to make a move, to start a conversation, to let someone in far enough to hurt me. Because I know from many experiences, no, wait, all my experiences that if you let someone in and you're happy, they can (and, in my case, usually do) hurt you that much more. Plus you go through withdrawl, because you had something good and it was taken away. So it's two hurts in one. Life really knows how to screw me. I'm not sure what exactly I believe spiritually, but if there is such thing as reincarnation, I was such an asshole last time around.
Oh, and this is kind of childish and immature, but Katie called me her best friend the other day and it made me happy. It's petty and ridiculous and very elementary school, but it did. I guess because she always calls Bobby (her ex?-boyfriend) that and I don't know where I fit in and I worry if I'm not (wait, I'm going to be selfish for a second) first priority. I worry that I'm not important enough to people for them to not be able to live without me. I need people to depend on me so that I can depend on them in other ways. Because if somebody depends on you, really needs you, they won't fuck with you, right?
Ah! I just looked online and I have 92 cents in the bank. I had a bunch of money, I was starting a decent savings, but I blew it all because all I'd been doing is saving and I got tired of being a tightwad. I thought, hey, I should buy myself everything I want, I fucking deserve it. Apparently not. What happened was a check just went through that I wrote a month ago and I'd forgotten about it. I really should write stuff down instead of just checking online. Well, I guess I'll have to put my cash in the bank. I'm just glad I didn't overdraw or get declined. How embarassing that would be. Especially since I just bought stuff at Hollister and they said not to bounce checks or anything with them or they'd be awfully pissed. And isn't it strange that at EatnPark today I decided to pay with cash instead of debit? Luck was on my side for once! Oh, this debit card will be the end of my money!
Okay, I'm done with the self pity and the whining for today.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
I've been having some friend problems myself lately... I can't make them get along. What it's coming down to is that I can only hang out with each of them one at a time. They're mad at each other over really pissy, stupid little things. I've tried to play the role of diplomat, but to no avail...
I have a question (you don't have to answer if you don't want to)... Do you wish that Katie was more than just a close friend to you? In other words, how do you really feel about her?
[Edited on Nov 05, 2004 3:56PM]
That's the problem Kate's having. None of us get along and it makes it inconvenient for her. She has to plan around everyone. I wouldn't know, but I bet it sucks.
hah No, no, I'm just interested in friendship.