So yesterday and today were good days. Only the friend brought me down. Yesterday I worked, which I love, because it's a good environment with new, seemingly good people, and mo' money. The only critisism I have is not enough hours, but I've discussed that with a manager and it's all good now. Anyway, I have this problem where I always feel like I don't belong unless people reassure me.... I don't actually know how often because well, most people don't reassure me much. ::shrugs:: So imagine how I felt when people I hardly know at a job I've been working at for a little over a month now, just randomly converse with me about clothes and stuff... just make me feel... it's not needed, I don't know them well enough for that, but... something. The one girl sort of bumped into me a couple of times while we were working and she'd point out something and say, 'oh that's cute' blah blah blah, and I just felt comfortable around her and I actually spoke a few words (very unlike me). Then as I was leaving my manager said, 'okay you guys can leave, but FIRST... you have to check out the awesome slippers I got from GAP today.' Okay, so these are complete girl things, but I've never had them before, so pardon me for being excited. Maybe one of them can share makeup tips with me that I so obviously don't know as I usually avoid makeup for that reason. I see way too many people walking around with unflattering makeup to chance it.
Also, today I had the most awesome, relieving conversations with my uncle Michael. He's my best friend, my would-be replacement father figure. Slightly creepy at some times, but always there for me. Also not actually my uncle, but it's much less complicated than saying my aunt's ex-husband on my ex-father's side. Whew. Okay, so I keep really personal things to myself (except here where no one can hurt me as the internet is fairly anonymous, even with my picture and information) for fear of rejection, mockery, and just plain hurt. But it sometimes makes me feel so utterly alone in the world and like I'm going to explode with unshared secrets and dreams and thoughts and feelings. So I sucked it up and told him a lot. I was the most honest I've been in years. He's the only one I can talk to the most honestly. Others I would tell half truths at best. Truth is too personal for the people I know. But somehow it just came out... I told him about the friend being an asshole and he listened for the most part, usually commenting only when prompted (which is good for me because I have an... issue with people interupting me, sometimes it really makes me angry because I feel like the other person just doesn't care what I have to say... so it's a bit of an inferiority complex, I can admit.) I told him how I feel I keep choosing friends like her because of my ex-father, Fran, and that it's exactly the way he treated me... well, in a way he was worse and in a way not as bad. Then again saying he wasn't as bad is a biased opinion because my memories of him are from when I thought he was perfect and could do no wrong, when I was the ultimate daddy's girl. Times, they change.
hah... So maybe nobody wanted me to air my dirty laundry, but I did and I'll probably do it again. Sometimes it even bores me. I'll read over it and say, man that girl's whiney, oh shit, it's me!
That was only half serious, really...
Hmm.. well, I don't feel like writing any more and I wish I had some pot.
Also, today I had the most awesome, relieving conversations with my uncle Michael. He's my best friend, my would-be replacement father figure. Slightly creepy at some times, but always there for me. Also not actually my uncle, but it's much less complicated than saying my aunt's ex-husband on my ex-father's side. Whew. Okay, so I keep really personal things to myself (except here where no one can hurt me as the internet is fairly anonymous, even with my picture and information) for fear of rejection, mockery, and just plain hurt. But it sometimes makes me feel so utterly alone in the world and like I'm going to explode with unshared secrets and dreams and thoughts and feelings. So I sucked it up and told him a lot. I was the most honest I've been in years. He's the only one I can talk to the most honestly. Others I would tell half truths at best. Truth is too personal for the people I know. But somehow it just came out... I told him about the friend being an asshole and he listened for the most part, usually commenting only when prompted (which is good for me because I have an... issue with people interupting me, sometimes it really makes me angry because I feel like the other person just doesn't care what I have to say... so it's a bit of an inferiority complex, I can admit.) I told him how I feel I keep choosing friends like her because of my ex-father, Fran, and that it's exactly the way he treated me... well, in a way he was worse and in a way not as bad. Then again saying he wasn't as bad is a biased opinion because my memories of him are from when I thought he was perfect and could do no wrong, when I was the ultimate daddy's girl. Times, they change.
hah... So maybe nobody wanted me to air my dirty laundry, but I did and I'll probably do it again. Sometimes it even bores me. I'll read over it and say, man that girl's whiney, oh shit, it's me!
That was only half serious, really...
Hmm.. well, I don't feel like writing any more and I wish I had some pot.