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So I've calmed down about the friend... Maybe it's not fair to get so upset about it... I mean, we've been friends for at least two years so I know she gets like that sometimes, and I'm still friends with her. So I should just take the bad with the good and stop fucking complaining. I mean, is it really fair to be so outraged at what I already expect to happen? Although... I only get outraged because I forget... or put the thought aside that she can be an asshole. It's always been that way... I don't know, I just can't be so close to someone without thinking the best of them. I try, but I fail. She says I never admit I'm wrong, but see, it's my own damn fault. Especially since I don't usually fight back. I usually just keep quiet when she insults me or jokes or yells, for a while at least. If she keeps it up for too long at a time, or if I'm in a really bad mood, or brooding on how she's an asshole, then I yell back. It always ends badly though. She says, "and I'm going to be the asshole for this because you're never wrong," which is not only untrue, but also I've never heard her admit she's wrong. So at first I went along with it, trying to see where I might be wrong and not admitting it, because I think it's only fair to try to see if she has a point, instead of being closed minded and just assuming she's wrong (wait, doesn't it sort of prove my point, the fact that I do that and she doesn't?). When I couldn't think of anything I assumed it was just me not admitting I'm wrong, because I've inherited, or maybe just picked up, some of my father's bad habits, and that happens to be one of his. But then I thought about her, and remembered that she's guilty of that same thing. So now I think she's just saying that because she can't say anything true, because she can't admit she's wrong and because (at least to my knowledge) I do nothing wrong to her... I do almost everything she says or wants... it's usually when I don't that we argue. And because I do that, and she expects it from everyone, when I don't do everything the exact way she wants it, there's hell to pay, and wow, some other person is so much better than me and all that bullshit. She really knows how to hurt a person. I mean really, some of her insults when we argue make me wonder how she can be so ignorant as to not see that she's wrong/ controlling and demanding/ childish, yet be so perceptive as to know just what will hurt. I mean, she knows I have serious issues with having to compete for a person's time and love, so she has to use it against me. I've only had to do it my whole life, usually on the losing side of the battle. Strange the way the mind works... Ugh, I must sound like I think I know everything and have all the answers, like I'm so above it all. I know otherwise, but reading back on some of that made me think I'm being an asshole, commenting on her flaws and not mine. Well, here's a list.
awkward, uncoordinated, dorky
unsure of self, lack of confidence, too ridiculously shy
not outspoken, always says the wrong thing
lack of style
forgetful, undependable
loser
and not often, but occassionally...
egotistic, arrogant, unwilling/ unable to see other's point of view, anger problems (all of which were inherited from my father) Those are the ones that really embarass me.

So I'm not perfect... I suppose it's the aspiration to be that always gets me hurt.