So I went to Philly for a week. I just got back tonight. I was going to visit my friend, Katie, who just left to go to Temple about a month ago. I missed her terribly, just not all of her... her temper, for example... or her childishness. I spent the week in limbo, stuck between feeling horrible and glad to be with her. I mean, she has this power over me. Everyone does if they get close enough. This power to make me feel bad for things they do wrong, or are otherwise not my fault. She's especially good at it though because she already tries, and doesn't necessarily know or specifically prey on the fact that I already do it for her. She does it to everyone nondescriminately. Possibly made that word up. But it really hurts me to feel that way because I spent so much time feeling those feelings and not understanding and not knowing myself or anything because I thought I was always wrong and everyone around me knew better. People take advantage of that. Sadly in my case it was the people closest to me who took advantage of it, so I am the way I am today. Yes, I blame them. I credit them for all these flaws and insecurities. Not all of my flaws, just the ones related to insecurity. I hate them for it, too. They took such advantage of the little girl I used to be. Made me grow up so fast. What kind of family and friends do that to a girl? My parents, my aunts and uncles, my best friend, others who came along but weren't so significant. And it scares me so much what a person can block themselves from. I mean, these people don't understand or acknowledge what they've done. Like Katie, who says I never admit I'm wrong, yet I've never heard her take the blame. Just because I never get the chance to say I'm wrong, because she boastingly points it out for me. And then I get blamed for being hurt because it makes her look like an asshole...
How is it that I love her so much, and then she can do these awful things? How can a person be half saint half sinner? Shouldn't it be all or nothing? Okay fine, I'm asking for too much. Couldn't she just see the reality of things, that she's hurting me with her anger and childishness? See that it's not helping me get to where I need to be? What I need right now is to get over the person I was... to be strong enough to not let people take advantage of me anymore. But she's not helping, because she makes me feel bad when I don't cater to her every whim, like I'm a bad friend if I don't jump through every single hoop for her, and then she doesn't give equally... not even close. And I try to see the bright side. Because I realize everyone shows their affections and goodness in different ways, I paid attention this week to see if there was something I was missing. Here were the things I noted:
She lent me $100 because I lost my debit card.
At first I was happily surprised, then she started bringing it up... in a slightly bragging sort of way (I think it ruins the fact that you did a nice thing if you obviously bring attention to it, especially bragging about it or using it as a bargaining or blackmailing tool)
+1/2
She picked a spider out of my hair.
I can't believe she did that... it seemed so out of character, I mean, she hates bugs... but she didn't even flinch, she didn't scream or run, just grabbed it and threw it... it did bite my head first, though
+1
Could be my insecurities talking, but she seems to make fun of me a lot... especially this week. Even when she realizes it's not the right time, she just says, okay you're mad, sorry, I'm an asshole. Then usually continues harassing me. This includes here double standards: complaining that I went to bed 30-40 minutes later than her and we didn't get to have good conversation before bed (we always do) even though it was at most 15 minutes late, then she came to bed 20-30 minutes late and shined a flashlight in my eyes to wake me up... she used the flashlight twice to wake me up and other times poking or yelling.
-2 (for a whole week of harassment, I think 2 points is fair)
Okay, away from the comparison for a second, I have a point to make about this... I just want to say that I think she makes jokes at my expense and makes comments that aren't exactly polite out of her own insecurity, because while I know the reality that apart from her childishness and anger management problems, she is better than me, she does not realize this. So she has to say, "wow aren't your jeans a bit loose?" or give me a look that says I'm clearly beneath her and say, "::sigh:: oh, gram" (gram is my nickname) in a voice that really says, "oh, gram, you're an idiot and clearly beneath me, but I put up with you anyway... I'm far better than you deserve, so you really should be doing every little thing I want, and even though you come close, that's not good enough, so you can stay until I find someone who will." She does this, but it's okay when she makes ditzy comments. I'm too polite and am too concerned for her comfort and peace of mind to do the things she does to me most of the time. Some times I lose my temper, though. What can I say, I am my father in many ways.
::sigh:: This entry is depressing me so I no longer wish to continue it... I just need to get things out and I wish someone would listen.
Okay, it's a few minutes later, and I'm ready to go on a little bit more. I was thinking, and I remembered something good she did.
She mentions every now and then, not as often as her insults and hurtful remarks, and not often enough for my insecurities (or maybe it would be if it weren't for the insults), but enough that I would remark on it, that she missed me and my conversations, was glad I was there, etc. It doesn't count out the mean things, but I do feel good when she says them, it gives me hope that she is part good and could change if she really realized how bad she gets. Although, as my father was so good to teach me through example (his favorite method), realizing your flaws is not the same as, not even close to changing them. It's very, very different. It's easy to realize your flaws compared to fixing them. There are many things I learned over the many times he hurt me, and that is one I'll never forget. Never trust anyone who starts an apology with "I'm sorry, but..." or "I know I'm doing this wrong and I promise to try/I'm working on it" What's an apology if it's turned around as an excuse and a blame, and what's a promise if it's given too lightly?
Okay, now I'm really done with this entry. For the record, +1 for the last point. That brings it up to +1/2. At least it's not in the negative...
How is it that I love her so much, and then she can do these awful things? How can a person be half saint half sinner? Shouldn't it be all or nothing? Okay fine, I'm asking for too much. Couldn't she just see the reality of things, that she's hurting me with her anger and childishness? See that it's not helping me get to where I need to be? What I need right now is to get over the person I was... to be strong enough to not let people take advantage of me anymore. But she's not helping, because she makes me feel bad when I don't cater to her every whim, like I'm a bad friend if I don't jump through every single hoop for her, and then she doesn't give equally... not even close. And I try to see the bright side. Because I realize everyone shows their affections and goodness in different ways, I paid attention this week to see if there was something I was missing. Here were the things I noted:
She lent me $100 because I lost my debit card.
At first I was happily surprised, then she started bringing it up... in a slightly bragging sort of way (I think it ruins the fact that you did a nice thing if you obviously bring attention to it, especially bragging about it or using it as a bargaining or blackmailing tool)
+1/2
She picked a spider out of my hair.
I can't believe she did that... it seemed so out of character, I mean, she hates bugs... but she didn't even flinch, she didn't scream or run, just grabbed it and threw it... it did bite my head first, though
+1
Could be my insecurities talking, but she seems to make fun of me a lot... especially this week. Even when she realizes it's not the right time, she just says, okay you're mad, sorry, I'm an asshole. Then usually continues harassing me. This includes here double standards: complaining that I went to bed 30-40 minutes later than her and we didn't get to have good conversation before bed (we always do) even though it was at most 15 minutes late, then she came to bed 20-30 minutes late and shined a flashlight in my eyes to wake me up... she used the flashlight twice to wake me up and other times poking or yelling.
-2 (for a whole week of harassment, I think 2 points is fair)
Okay, away from the comparison for a second, I have a point to make about this... I just want to say that I think she makes jokes at my expense and makes comments that aren't exactly polite out of her own insecurity, because while I know the reality that apart from her childishness and anger management problems, she is better than me, she does not realize this. So she has to say, "wow aren't your jeans a bit loose?" or give me a look that says I'm clearly beneath her and say, "::sigh:: oh, gram" (gram is my nickname) in a voice that really says, "oh, gram, you're an idiot and clearly beneath me, but I put up with you anyway... I'm far better than you deserve, so you really should be doing every little thing I want, and even though you come close, that's not good enough, so you can stay until I find someone who will." She does this, but it's okay when she makes ditzy comments. I'm too polite and am too concerned for her comfort and peace of mind to do the things she does to me most of the time. Some times I lose my temper, though. What can I say, I am my father in many ways.
::sigh:: This entry is depressing me so I no longer wish to continue it... I just need to get things out and I wish someone would listen.
Okay, it's a few minutes later, and I'm ready to go on a little bit more. I was thinking, and I remembered something good she did.
She mentions every now and then, not as often as her insults and hurtful remarks, and not often enough for my insecurities (or maybe it would be if it weren't for the insults), but enough that I would remark on it, that she missed me and my conversations, was glad I was there, etc. It doesn't count out the mean things, but I do feel good when she says them, it gives me hope that she is part good and could change if she really realized how bad she gets. Although, as my father was so good to teach me through example (his favorite method), realizing your flaws is not the same as, not even close to changing them. It's very, very different. It's easy to realize your flaws compared to fixing them. There are many things I learned over the many times he hurt me, and that is one I'll never forget. Never trust anyone who starts an apology with "I'm sorry, but..." or "I know I'm doing this wrong and I promise to try/I'm working on it" What's an apology if it's turned around as an excuse and a blame, and what's a promise if it's given too lightly?
Okay, now I'm really done with this entry. For the record, +1 for the last point. That brings it up to +1/2. At least it's not in the negative...
People close to me have preyed upon my insecurities in the past as well. They made friendly jokes that were actually quite spiteful underneath the surface. They tried to make me feel inferior to them. They wanted a follower, not an equal... I never had the courage to have that talk with them. However, I did change. They treat me more as an equal now. They don't have a choice. They have no ground to stand on above me. The thing is, I still wish I would have said something...
I hope things get better for you...
On a lighter note: Welcome to SG! Pittsburgh's a great city! I love visiting there. What school do you go to, and what do you study?
David the Knome fucking kicks-ass!!! I LOVED watching that when I was a kid. Haven't seen it in years though. Do they have re-runs on any certain channel? What I liked the most was that they all lived for several hundred years. Much better than the short time we get here...
Schlitzvytz! (Is that how you spell it? LoL)
I used to love that show.