I'm in northern California staying with my family for thinks giving and nothing makes sense. That's usually how it is when I come here but this time it's for a different reason. Things went really well. No one said anything derogatory against gay people, atheists, or women. No voices were raised. I didn't leave my grandmother's house feeling hurt and offending and vaguely wondering why I put myself through this ordeal year after year. I left confused because this was the year I wasn't going to be a coward and listen spinelessly. I was going to tell my uncle that I was not going to tolerate his hate speach. I was going to tell him that I didn't agree and that I would prefer that he not say things that were so blatantly offensive in my presence. I was going to be strong and leave feeling like myself rather than a shadow of the courageous liberal activist I try to be in southern California. Instead I left puzzled.
You see about six months ago my mom (the black sheep and big mouth of the family) had gotten into a rather heated argument with two of my uncles (the heros and patriarchs of the family, out of 8 children) over how the world was sadly lacking in alpha males now-a-days and how my aunt's Mormon religion was a cult and a dozen other hateful things. When the conversation was over one of my uncles had called my mother a bitch and threatened to hit her if she was a man. So my mom decided to get counseling, to not spend so much time with the family, and to generally try to stop being so dependent on what they think of her. Now the younger me would have pushed for swift reconcilation, but the current me thinks that if mom needs to break away from a family that's been canibalizing her self esteem ever since she was the only woman living in a house hold with an alcohalic father then maybe some things that are already broken shouldn't be so hastily fixed.
We wouldn't have even been having Thanksgiving with the rest of the family had it not been for another aunt's cancer. My mom seemed to think it would mean something to my aunt if we spend Thanksgiving with the family, but after the two of them had a long discussion she decided she would go through with her original plan to spend Christmas in south Cal with me and my boyfriend's family.
Yet, now everything is peaches and cream. I feel befuddled and I don't know why. It's almost as if I wanted things to go poorly so that everything would fit into a coherent narrative. But everything went well, everyone was very considerate and respectful of one another's feelings for the first time in a long time. I'm glad things went well, but the timing is so strange. I guess it's that after years of hoping things would go better I had finally given up on the idea that they ever would be. Heck I was preparing myself to lose them. Ever since I came out to my San Diego friends and my mom as bisexual I've been preparing for my family to turn on me. (They still might.) I guess maybe it's because when they were being cruel and hostile I was able to imagine what them turning on me would be like and then they stopped doing that (rather suddenly) and now it doesn't feel as real.
What is any of this about? What am I attempting to achieve?
My mom is fighting for her emotional independence and sanity. What am I fighting for? I want to support her and protect her the way I couldn't the last time things went sour with the rest of the family. Then I was too young. This time I'll be damned if they're going to attack and ostrocise her without me lifting a finger. Maybe that's what I was looking forward to. Maybe unconsciously I was waiting to rescue her and make up for all the times I haven't been able to. Ironically now that I'm ready to rescue her she doesn't really need it anymore. She's learned that they can't hurt her if she doesn't let them.
My family is becoming for me what my mom once was: a mercurial mystery. Loving at one moment. Nasty and spiteful the next. Except it's the reverse.
So let's review. I was expecting them to verbally attack me or my ideals. They didn't. Now I feel... disappointed, tense, suspicious, befuddled slightly delusional... a sense of anti-climax.
Only a fool can't accept the happiness that is placed right in front of them. I'm trying not to be a fool. Maybe thinking too much makes you stupid sometimes.
Ah, Happy Turkey Day. It was a good one. Best in a long time. There's a tension in my head but I am smiling.
You see about six months ago my mom (the black sheep and big mouth of the family) had gotten into a rather heated argument with two of my uncles (the heros and patriarchs of the family, out of 8 children) over how the world was sadly lacking in alpha males now-a-days and how my aunt's Mormon religion was a cult and a dozen other hateful things. When the conversation was over one of my uncles had called my mother a bitch and threatened to hit her if she was a man. So my mom decided to get counseling, to not spend so much time with the family, and to generally try to stop being so dependent on what they think of her. Now the younger me would have pushed for swift reconcilation, but the current me thinks that if mom needs to break away from a family that's been canibalizing her self esteem ever since she was the only woman living in a house hold with an alcohalic father then maybe some things that are already broken shouldn't be so hastily fixed.
We wouldn't have even been having Thanksgiving with the rest of the family had it not been for another aunt's cancer. My mom seemed to think it would mean something to my aunt if we spend Thanksgiving with the family, but after the two of them had a long discussion she decided she would go through with her original plan to spend Christmas in south Cal with me and my boyfriend's family.
Yet, now everything is peaches and cream. I feel befuddled and I don't know why. It's almost as if I wanted things to go poorly so that everything would fit into a coherent narrative. But everything went well, everyone was very considerate and respectful of one another's feelings for the first time in a long time. I'm glad things went well, but the timing is so strange. I guess it's that after years of hoping things would go better I had finally given up on the idea that they ever would be. Heck I was preparing myself to lose them. Ever since I came out to my San Diego friends and my mom as bisexual I've been preparing for my family to turn on me. (They still might.) I guess maybe it's because when they were being cruel and hostile I was able to imagine what them turning on me would be like and then they stopped doing that (rather suddenly) and now it doesn't feel as real.
What is any of this about? What am I attempting to achieve?
My mom is fighting for her emotional independence and sanity. What am I fighting for? I want to support her and protect her the way I couldn't the last time things went sour with the rest of the family. Then I was too young. This time I'll be damned if they're going to attack and ostrocise her without me lifting a finger. Maybe that's what I was looking forward to. Maybe unconsciously I was waiting to rescue her and make up for all the times I haven't been able to. Ironically now that I'm ready to rescue her she doesn't really need it anymore. She's learned that they can't hurt her if she doesn't let them.
My family is becoming for me what my mom once was: a mercurial mystery. Loving at one moment. Nasty and spiteful the next. Except it's the reverse.
So let's review. I was expecting them to verbally attack me or my ideals. They didn't. Now I feel... disappointed, tense, suspicious, befuddled slightly delusional... a sense of anti-climax.
Only a fool can't accept the happiness that is placed right in front of them. I'm trying not to be a fool. Maybe thinking too much makes you stupid sometimes.
Ah, Happy Turkey Day. It was a good one. Best in a long time. There's a tension in my head but I am smiling.