My evening's been all over the place emotionally. I rushed home to have dinner before rushing to choir practice which I somehow managed to miraculously not be late for. I was all growly and frustrated initially, but then I started singing and as always I remembered why I go to the trouble of being in choir. Because singing makes everything else go away if only for a few moments. Singing silences something inside me that knows how to make me hurt. But then I got home and my mood totally crashed.
I want to be happy. I know its important because we only have this one time on earth (either at all or in our current identity, who knows) but in any case time is precious. I don't want to waste it being miserable but sometimes it just feels like it's in my nature. My friends think I'm such a happy, smiling, optimist, but my lovers always think I am an inherently unhappy person. Maybe this is a good argument for being single, but I keep falling into these relationships. At least the person I'm with right now is a decent, understanding, compassionate, and flexible person. Hell, he's okay with us trying an open relationship. I'm still confused about how far I want to go experimenting with that.
You see, this is why I don't often write journal entries, because when I write stream of consciousness there are always 15 shallow tangents and I never feel like I'm getting anywhere. Gah, he needs to study and I'm lonely. He's been studying all week and I've felt lonely all week and a little jealous because I miss being in school. It's as if I think I don't have a purpose, but in reality I have my applications and my writing and its because of my perception of them being less important than being a student that makes them less engrossing. Probably. I don't know. I always claim I want more free time, but in reality free time can be terrifying. I'm always flying in nine different directions and then fearful that I'm not using the time well enough. It's the fear that's the problem really. It's always the fear that's the problem and there's so much of it.
I know for a fact if I continue being this honest and neurotic in my blog entries that I'm never going to have any friends on this site, but that's okay. It feels good to spew and if other people don't enjoy they don't have to read it and they won't I'm sure. Blogs are the strangest mix of voyeurism and isolation.
Okay, I had a goal regarding my grad school applications a few days ago and I still haven't accomplished it. It's a simple goal because I'm starting small. The goal is to find all the deadlines for each schools apps, so here it goes. I'm going to do this.
Purdue - Jan. 15th
Brown - Dec. 15th
Texas - Jan. 15th
San Diego - Feb. 1st
Arizona Tempe - Feb. 1st
NC - Wilmington - Feb. 1st
Looks like that's the final list and the dates. I'd better get on top of Brown's app. Need to get it done early enough to track down rec. letters (which will involve a lot of groveling since this is my second crack at MFA applications, ah well we do what we must).
I need to set a new goal. Probably look up how much of last year's Brown app. I can use since it and Texas are the two I'm reapplying to. Everyone else is all new.
I started a story on Wednesday and haven't continued it yet, but it's getting quite late. I'll give writing another go tomorrow.
As for cleaning I did a load of dishes and through away our pumpkin.
By the by, I'm pretty sure the caffeine in the morning is causing the jitters in the afternoon, so I should probably knock that off at least until I'm feeling a bit more grounded.
This going to be a long post, but a fruitful one. Nighty night.
I want to be happy. I know its important because we only have this one time on earth (either at all or in our current identity, who knows) but in any case time is precious. I don't want to waste it being miserable but sometimes it just feels like it's in my nature. My friends think I'm such a happy, smiling, optimist, but my lovers always think I am an inherently unhappy person. Maybe this is a good argument for being single, but I keep falling into these relationships. At least the person I'm with right now is a decent, understanding, compassionate, and flexible person. Hell, he's okay with us trying an open relationship. I'm still confused about how far I want to go experimenting with that.
You see, this is why I don't often write journal entries, because when I write stream of consciousness there are always 15 shallow tangents and I never feel like I'm getting anywhere. Gah, he needs to study and I'm lonely. He's been studying all week and I've felt lonely all week and a little jealous because I miss being in school. It's as if I think I don't have a purpose, but in reality I have my applications and my writing and its because of my perception of them being less important than being a student that makes them less engrossing. Probably. I don't know. I always claim I want more free time, but in reality free time can be terrifying. I'm always flying in nine different directions and then fearful that I'm not using the time well enough. It's the fear that's the problem really. It's always the fear that's the problem and there's so much of it.
I know for a fact if I continue being this honest and neurotic in my blog entries that I'm never going to have any friends on this site, but that's okay. It feels good to spew and if other people don't enjoy they don't have to read it and they won't I'm sure. Blogs are the strangest mix of voyeurism and isolation.
Okay, I had a goal regarding my grad school applications a few days ago and I still haven't accomplished it. It's a simple goal because I'm starting small. The goal is to find all the deadlines for each schools apps, so here it goes. I'm going to do this.
Purdue - Jan. 15th
Brown - Dec. 15th
Texas - Jan. 15th
San Diego - Feb. 1st
Arizona Tempe - Feb. 1st
NC - Wilmington - Feb. 1st
Looks like that's the final list and the dates. I'd better get on top of Brown's app. Need to get it done early enough to track down rec. letters (which will involve a lot of groveling since this is my second crack at MFA applications, ah well we do what we must).
I need to set a new goal. Probably look up how much of last year's Brown app. I can use since it and Texas are the two I'm reapplying to. Everyone else is all new.
I started a story on Wednesday and haven't continued it yet, but it's getting quite late. I'll give writing another go tomorrow.
As for cleaning I did a load of dishes and through away our pumpkin.
By the by, I'm pretty sure the caffeine in the morning is causing the jitters in the afternoon, so I should probably knock that off at least until I'm feeling a bit more grounded.
This going to be a long post, but a fruitful one. Nighty night.