I am so anxious for the holidays to be over.
Things just haven't gone the way I wanted them to so far.
I realize that one can hardly control the way of 'things', but I am quite the daydreamer and I like to imagine the way things to come will look and feel. This, unfortunately, more often then not leads to disappointment. But I am a realistic daydreamer; and my fantasies always have a certain amount of sense to them.
I really thought that this was going to be a very special, very enjoyable holiday for me this year. There are some rather large differences from last yearthe big one being the fact that I now live on my own rather then with my parents.
But my accomplishment in the realm of independence has been quickly overshadowed by my sister's successes. In half the time it took me to get an apartment and acclimate to single living; she managed to get a house and engaged.
Yet another hard shove into cold reality for me.
Let me just start off by explaining that this is not petty jealously.
No. If I believed in a 'higher power' I would be thoroughly convinced that He had it out for me. But I don't believe in such things. (although I honestly wish I did, as it would make life a lot simpler) Instead I have to just blame myself and my own poor judgments for my problems.
I have done nothing for as long as I can remember but obsess about the "American Dream". The house, the 2.5 kids, the husband, and the simple suburban life that every aspiring housewife dreams of. Nothing in this world would make me happier then to joyfully await the arrival of my husband from work, dinner hot on the stovetop, and the house sparkling clean. Oh yeah, and in that scenario, I would look like a movie star despite the fact that I was cleaning all day.
I have worked hard at trying to make this dream a reality. I watch the Food Network constantly, I have learned to make housework an enjoyable and fulfilling part of my everyday routine, I meal plan for the week, I am an excellent hostess, I keep myself in shape, and I am always sure to look my besteven if I'm only doing laundry. And as an added bonus, I am a total geek! I read comics, I'm a formidable opponent on almost any PC or console game, I am a science buff, I love Star Trek and conventions, I am an avid readeras well as writer. What more could I possibly do to make a guy want to marry me??
Err.aside from doing all of the above listed activities in the nude.
The point is, is that I have done everything I possibly can to guide myself into the right direction. I have put sweat and tears into planning a life that is nothing more then common to most people.
And I who want it most, find it almost impossible to achieve while it falls into other (less deserving) people's laps!!!
Not that my sister is completely undeserving. But she is several years younger then me and she has a tendency to take things for granted. I think what really makes it difficult for me is the fact that my family unrelentingly chides me about it. The people in my family are all extremely intelligent people. For some reason, with intelligence, there comes a competitive urge. Also, intelligent people seem to always say the most hurtful things. When you are criticized by someone who is below your level of understanding and thought, it does not have much impact.
However, my family does have impact; and they are good at giving me complexes about things I was already insecure about. For example, the two favorites at the moment would be my small chest size and, of course, my sister beating me to the altar. It seems that every time I visit, someone just has to remark on it. And to make matters worse, they get my sister into the habit of saying those things!
I have to admit, that I'm getting very close to just giving up. I try to work my problems out in my head, and things just don't add up. I just don't think I can make it work. Most days I wake up with a terrible weight on my chest and I don't even want to begin doing anything productive. The grand scheme of things is just too overwhelming. I just don't see how anything could possibly improve for me.
I look at myself these days and I feel terrible about myself and my situation. This is not where I wanted to be at this age. Not even close. Sometimes I think I'm so far from where I wanted to be that there is no chance of salvaging my life.
I feel as though I have already lost the race and I'm just trying to struggle to at least get to the finish line. Just to prove to myself that it wasn't all for naught
Things just haven't gone the way I wanted them to so far.
I realize that one can hardly control the way of 'things', but I am quite the daydreamer and I like to imagine the way things to come will look and feel. This, unfortunately, more often then not leads to disappointment. But I am a realistic daydreamer; and my fantasies always have a certain amount of sense to them.
I really thought that this was going to be a very special, very enjoyable holiday for me this year. There are some rather large differences from last yearthe big one being the fact that I now live on my own rather then with my parents.
But my accomplishment in the realm of independence has been quickly overshadowed by my sister's successes. In half the time it took me to get an apartment and acclimate to single living; she managed to get a house and engaged.
Yet another hard shove into cold reality for me.
Let me just start off by explaining that this is not petty jealously.
No. If I believed in a 'higher power' I would be thoroughly convinced that He had it out for me. But I don't believe in such things. (although I honestly wish I did, as it would make life a lot simpler) Instead I have to just blame myself and my own poor judgments for my problems.
I have done nothing for as long as I can remember but obsess about the "American Dream". The house, the 2.5 kids, the husband, and the simple suburban life that every aspiring housewife dreams of. Nothing in this world would make me happier then to joyfully await the arrival of my husband from work, dinner hot on the stovetop, and the house sparkling clean. Oh yeah, and in that scenario, I would look like a movie star despite the fact that I was cleaning all day.
I have worked hard at trying to make this dream a reality. I watch the Food Network constantly, I have learned to make housework an enjoyable and fulfilling part of my everyday routine, I meal plan for the week, I am an excellent hostess, I keep myself in shape, and I am always sure to look my besteven if I'm only doing laundry. And as an added bonus, I am a total geek! I read comics, I'm a formidable opponent on almost any PC or console game, I am a science buff, I love Star Trek and conventions, I am an avid readeras well as writer. What more could I possibly do to make a guy want to marry me??
Err.aside from doing all of the above listed activities in the nude.
The point is, is that I have done everything I possibly can to guide myself into the right direction. I have put sweat and tears into planning a life that is nothing more then common to most people.
And I who want it most, find it almost impossible to achieve while it falls into other (less deserving) people's laps!!!
Not that my sister is completely undeserving. But she is several years younger then me and she has a tendency to take things for granted. I think what really makes it difficult for me is the fact that my family unrelentingly chides me about it. The people in my family are all extremely intelligent people. For some reason, with intelligence, there comes a competitive urge. Also, intelligent people seem to always say the most hurtful things. When you are criticized by someone who is below your level of understanding and thought, it does not have much impact.
However, my family does have impact; and they are good at giving me complexes about things I was already insecure about. For example, the two favorites at the moment would be my small chest size and, of course, my sister beating me to the altar. It seems that every time I visit, someone just has to remark on it. And to make matters worse, they get my sister into the habit of saying those things!
I have to admit, that I'm getting very close to just giving up. I try to work my problems out in my head, and things just don't add up. I just don't think I can make it work. Most days I wake up with a terrible weight on my chest and I don't even want to begin doing anything productive. The grand scheme of things is just too overwhelming. I just don't see how anything could possibly improve for me.
I look at myself these days and I feel terrible about myself and my situation. This is not where I wanted to be at this age. Not even close. Sometimes I think I'm so far from where I wanted to be that there is no chance of salvaging my life.
I feel as though I have already lost the race and I'm just trying to struggle to at least get to the finish line. Just to prove to myself that it wasn't all for naught
VIEW 25 of 38 COMMENTS
Trying to make that happen is different from constantly obsessing over the actuality. You cannot have a date with a guy and by the end of expect him to be ready to set up a baby making factory. The reverse is true, as well. He cannot reasonably expect you to want to be with him forever. I have long believed that a real partnership takes years to build before you should start to really bind your lives together. Find a man you are interested in and let the relationship grow organically from there.
Squeak - you are YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY!
Both physically, and from what I can I learn from your writings
and photo-art, as a person all round.
So don't go forgetting it, OK? :-)
Your family sound like a bunch of insecure assholes if they thrive
on putting people down - especially their relatives.
There is no excuse for them to do that.
Such behaviour comes from their insecurity and jealousy usually.
I make a point of avoiding people like that,
minimising my interaction with them,
so that I don't take on their attitudes.
I bet they've never had legions of adoring admirers like you have.
You're a star... (and from what I can see very humble about it,
which is even more attractive).
Though being famous has a price - jealousy and odd behaviour
from insecure people we know.
Once you settle in I'm sure you'll enjoy your freedom and being single.
You're now free of their ongoing negativity.
There's so much you can do now that you won't be able to do later.
So I hope you make the most of it.
When the time's right Mr. Right will arrive.
And after seeing that pole dance movie,
which is amongst the most lovely things I've ever seen,
I know that I (and I expect millions of others) would fantasise
being with you all the time and being beyond happiness :-)
.. besides you're a skinny puppy fanatic too.
Ok, I'm sounding gushy
but I hope this helps remind you of what a unique and lovely star you are
PS - give your dear ratties a kiss for me