I don't know what I want to say here, nor do I know how I want to say it.
The things I have been putting a lot of thought into seem to only make sense to me, or a very small percentage of people. Maybe because it is all the story never written, too far ahead (or behind) current thought, too abstract, or just not important enough for the masses to listen to or understand. Organizing these thoughts on the matter of things seems to me to be a more daunting task than I first thought. In time, here, I may be able to lay them out, but I am faced with such a challenge that I might just bear the shame of retreat just to find some respite to regroup and reform such thoughts.
One could say that these thoughts only relate to the notion on a romantic relationship, though they may have a point, it is a weak one. I think that it has more far reaching meaning to it than just its apparent face value. It could, for instance, relate on the nature of friendships (which I consider something not to be taken lightly, as good friendships are hard to find without the correct amount of time and effort put into maintaining them at their start), or it could relate to a business relationship (or series thereof), though much more loosely, and possibly much more abstract. Now, I don't claim to think I know more than the next person, because most of the time I believe the next person knows more than me due to my much more limited perspective on such matters. So it is safe to say that all that can be said of this is purely up to the subjective mind of the one considering these things.
It helps, I think, that I am sitting here alone in a hotel room of all places. That fact seems to be rather poignant, at least to me it does. I do well alone, which is less that can be said about me than about others. Many people I know can't stand being alone, in any way. Some find their way out of loneliness with a large series of friends that mean a whole lot of nothing in the long runs, while others hide from it in a small, yet dedicated group of friends. I would prefer the latter, but that is not really how I am. I would like to be like the latter, but in the end while I have that small and dedicated group of friends, it is not what helps me deal with the ailments that come to being alone.
I have only met one person other than myself (and yes, I think "meeting" oneself is an important step in both self-awareness and the journey of self worth and identity) that has done the same thing as me. It may at first sound odd, but in the end I think it makes a lot of sense as I doubt we are the only two people who think of things this way. I believe there are far more than one would think, even people with the two things I mentioned before.
We find our way out of true loneliness is the mediums of fiction. Be in movies, TV series, or the all-powerful novel. Whereas most people I know see themselves either as the omniscient third party or just a silent observer of events unfolding, we see ourselves as an integral part of the novel/show/movie. We do nothing to progress plotlines or make events unfold (other than watching the movie or show, or reading the book), but we see the characters as our friends. We were given the opportunity to be part of their lives in a way that is hard to match in reality. We begin to love these people (which is probably why some of us hate the endings of things, because we wish to see what's next because we consider these characters our good friends). It is odd, I admit, to think of it this way, but it's true. To me it is true.
I find that is the easiest way for me to avoid what naturally comes to us as humans when we are forced to spend much time alone. By no means, though, is this the end of what I am talking about, not that it seems like one, but it does, in a manner. I have much more occupying my mind that I feel like blurting out here on, or rather in, such a medium as this blog. While this small bit on what I find helps me avoid the banes of loneliness may be a stretch, or a digression, from my original topic, I obviously felt it needed to be said.
Now, relationships, for me, are an odd thing. A curiosity, of sorts. They come in many ways, though I think there is no perfect way for them to come into being. For me, I find the standards set for forming relationships to be not only archaic but impractical. Some people do it the way I think it is best, but a lot do not. I am not trying to say that others should stop and do it how I think is best, because that would be stupid. Just as I think it is the best, it has just as much chance as being as useless as the many ways people form lasting relationships. The only way I feel that I can narrate it is in an ersatz-autobiographical style, even though it is not true for me and probably will never be.
I hope to find someone who can sustain themselves without the need to be propped up in any way by me. Be it emotionally, financially, or however they need be propped up. I want them to have a clear sense of self worth, and I want them to have the ability to pay the rent on their own. Not that I don't actually want to pay the rent, it would just be nice if they would be able to as well. I don't really want someone who just dates me because that is how they find their self worth. They need to already have that buttoned down (and I've been lucky with that so far, all of my ex-girlfriends who left me [for various reasons that I still don't comprehend, someone has to fucking explain that shit to me] had a clear sense of their self worth, which I was infinitely glad about and respected them so much more for that show of force).
If they don't have that nailed down I'm probably going to be the one to do the leaving, or rather the one to give them a stern talking to. I seem to be good at that, my friends could write testimonials on those skills, mainly because they all have been on the receiving end of it. They both did not like it, and ended up doing things differently afterwards. It's an important part of what I think , the idea of self worth. I don't take it lightly. That way, we don't get mired in all the bullshit that comes along with that.
I'd like said relationship to be not so static, in a manner of speaking. We can be together one day, then we can be apart the next, be in different parts of the world the next day, then the next we can come back together. Essentially bouncing between being together and being apart with little, if any, effect on the feelings that keep us together or the relationship at all. I know people that do that kind of thing, one of the guys I work with brought up a similar idea to this. It was close, but his life is slightly different than this, as he didn't have a relationship like this from the start with his wife.
To me that is ideal, not because it only fits to the relationship I envision, but because with a little bit of finagling and a context change it can apply to friendships and work relationships. My friendships are like this, I've known my friend, who lives across the street from me, for fifteen years and there are many times where we go long stretches without ever hanging out, yet when we do, we hit it off like we just saw each other the day before. It works out well for us. It also works well with work relationships, well, maybe only with boss to minion relationships. If the boss is always up someone's ass either helping them or telling them how to do their job that just leads to the lower employee towards resentment of the boss. Let the workers do their job and come back when its done. It builds trust, for if the boss trusts you to get your job done things go a lot smoother. On top of that it doesn't help if a boss finds a measure of self worth in praise from employees (usually due to insecurity). If a boss is a good boss, they should know that it was their strengths that got them there.
So that idea kind of works, I think. It's not my entire thought, just what I can seem to get into a marginally coherent rambling for the night.
And for the "too long; didn't read" people, here are some fluffy kittens:
The things I have been putting a lot of thought into seem to only make sense to me, or a very small percentage of people. Maybe because it is all the story never written, too far ahead (or behind) current thought, too abstract, or just not important enough for the masses to listen to or understand. Organizing these thoughts on the matter of things seems to me to be a more daunting task than I first thought. In time, here, I may be able to lay them out, but I am faced with such a challenge that I might just bear the shame of retreat just to find some respite to regroup and reform such thoughts.
One could say that these thoughts only relate to the notion on a romantic relationship, though they may have a point, it is a weak one. I think that it has more far reaching meaning to it than just its apparent face value. It could, for instance, relate on the nature of friendships (which I consider something not to be taken lightly, as good friendships are hard to find without the correct amount of time and effort put into maintaining them at their start), or it could relate to a business relationship (or series thereof), though much more loosely, and possibly much more abstract. Now, I don't claim to think I know more than the next person, because most of the time I believe the next person knows more than me due to my much more limited perspective on such matters. So it is safe to say that all that can be said of this is purely up to the subjective mind of the one considering these things.
It helps, I think, that I am sitting here alone in a hotel room of all places. That fact seems to be rather poignant, at least to me it does. I do well alone, which is less that can be said about me than about others. Many people I know can't stand being alone, in any way. Some find their way out of loneliness with a large series of friends that mean a whole lot of nothing in the long runs, while others hide from it in a small, yet dedicated group of friends. I would prefer the latter, but that is not really how I am. I would like to be like the latter, but in the end while I have that small and dedicated group of friends, it is not what helps me deal with the ailments that come to being alone.
I have only met one person other than myself (and yes, I think "meeting" oneself is an important step in both self-awareness and the journey of self worth and identity) that has done the same thing as me. It may at first sound odd, but in the end I think it makes a lot of sense as I doubt we are the only two people who think of things this way. I believe there are far more than one would think, even people with the two things I mentioned before.
We find our way out of true loneliness is the mediums of fiction. Be in movies, TV series, or the all-powerful novel. Whereas most people I know see themselves either as the omniscient third party or just a silent observer of events unfolding, we see ourselves as an integral part of the novel/show/movie. We do nothing to progress plotlines or make events unfold (other than watching the movie or show, or reading the book), but we see the characters as our friends. We were given the opportunity to be part of their lives in a way that is hard to match in reality. We begin to love these people (which is probably why some of us hate the endings of things, because we wish to see what's next because we consider these characters our good friends). It is odd, I admit, to think of it this way, but it's true. To me it is true.
I find that is the easiest way for me to avoid what naturally comes to us as humans when we are forced to spend much time alone. By no means, though, is this the end of what I am talking about, not that it seems like one, but it does, in a manner. I have much more occupying my mind that I feel like blurting out here on, or rather in, such a medium as this blog. While this small bit on what I find helps me avoid the banes of loneliness may be a stretch, or a digression, from my original topic, I obviously felt it needed to be said.
Now, relationships, for me, are an odd thing. A curiosity, of sorts. They come in many ways, though I think there is no perfect way for them to come into being. For me, I find the standards set for forming relationships to be not only archaic but impractical. Some people do it the way I think it is best, but a lot do not. I am not trying to say that others should stop and do it how I think is best, because that would be stupid. Just as I think it is the best, it has just as much chance as being as useless as the many ways people form lasting relationships. The only way I feel that I can narrate it is in an ersatz-autobiographical style, even though it is not true for me and probably will never be.
I hope to find someone who can sustain themselves without the need to be propped up in any way by me. Be it emotionally, financially, or however they need be propped up. I want them to have a clear sense of self worth, and I want them to have the ability to pay the rent on their own. Not that I don't actually want to pay the rent, it would just be nice if they would be able to as well. I don't really want someone who just dates me because that is how they find their self worth. They need to already have that buttoned down (and I've been lucky with that so far, all of my ex-girlfriends who left me [for various reasons that I still don't comprehend, someone has to fucking explain that shit to me] had a clear sense of their self worth, which I was infinitely glad about and respected them so much more for that show of force).
If they don't have that nailed down I'm probably going to be the one to do the leaving, or rather the one to give them a stern talking to. I seem to be good at that, my friends could write testimonials on those skills, mainly because they all have been on the receiving end of it. They both did not like it, and ended up doing things differently afterwards. It's an important part of what I think , the idea of self worth. I don't take it lightly. That way, we don't get mired in all the bullshit that comes along with that.
I'd like said relationship to be not so static, in a manner of speaking. We can be together one day, then we can be apart the next, be in different parts of the world the next day, then the next we can come back together. Essentially bouncing between being together and being apart with little, if any, effect on the feelings that keep us together or the relationship at all. I know people that do that kind of thing, one of the guys I work with brought up a similar idea to this. It was close, but his life is slightly different than this, as he didn't have a relationship like this from the start with his wife.
To me that is ideal, not because it only fits to the relationship I envision, but because with a little bit of finagling and a context change it can apply to friendships and work relationships. My friendships are like this, I've known my friend, who lives across the street from me, for fifteen years and there are many times where we go long stretches without ever hanging out, yet when we do, we hit it off like we just saw each other the day before. It works out well for us. It also works well with work relationships, well, maybe only with boss to minion relationships. If the boss is always up someone's ass either helping them or telling them how to do their job that just leads to the lower employee towards resentment of the boss. Let the workers do their job and come back when its done. It builds trust, for if the boss trusts you to get your job done things go a lot smoother. On top of that it doesn't help if a boss finds a measure of self worth in praise from employees (usually due to insecurity). If a boss is a good boss, they should know that it was their strengths that got them there.
So that idea kind of works, I think. It's not my entire thought, just what I can seem to get into a marginally coherent rambling for the night.
And for the "too long; didn't read" people, here are some fluffy kittens: