somuchrain

Courageously ... with grace.

A continuing obsession with Miranda July. It's genius but almost my fucking age, which leads to resentment (ooo! how catty!) ... that whole 'not having done enough' thing. Jesus Christ, Nietzsche (ba-zing! name drop!) was right!

Too much of random people vomiting. It's like high school .... "objectively speaking... would you think 'that guy looks OK, he looks like a guy...
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Someone once said, "There is no such thing as love, only proofs of love."

I've seen myself doing something, recently, which is rather fucked. I know I've done it longer. I have a very hard time believing in, or trusting, I suppose, love, unless it's attended to by sadness. Happy relationships just seem unbelievable, in a way. I mean, they're what the best works are...
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Ave Maria - "I don't want a lot for Christmas"

It's the song of the evening. "So far betrayed." It's a night of forcings. Him to be comfortable and not just watch, she to dance and get out of bed; he to smirk, too much. It's a night of not-being-able-to-feel-like-were-living-out-of-cliches-or-at-least-hyphens-and-to-feel-like-we're-living-our-age-and-not-like-ten-or-some-odd-years-behind. As I've said, I'm not good with change, but God ... I love watching change...
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Conf[e]ssion isn't ever beautiful.
Nor, cliche. Nor, speachlessness.

I went to work today. My boss was fine with my not being there on Wednesday. "People who know you ... they like your work." Not a journal. I am more reliable than his other employees. We stack B&Bs and "why didn't you?" and why is it so dark and what is with all the soulless stupid...
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What a better way to start a new 'age-year' then with a Nick Cave interview?

So, I'm slightly older. Woo hoo. I'm also one huge step closer to graduating as all I've left to do is bureaucratic crap - science and computer requirements which will take two hours or so. This means ... I've finished my final work ... which is .... good. Weights lifted...
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There's something about constantly bleaching a mattress that was found in a basement with only one light bulb. The mattress lay in a puddle, molding. I was sick of sleeping on a pallet. Well, that's a lie. I was sick of her seeing me sleep on a pallet. I even found a box-spring in the puddle. The single light bulb had burnt out by the...
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When we were children we sat on top of piles of dirt in our Sunday
clothes and mouthed tiny strategies under our parents watchful eyes. On schoolyards we were an army of grass throwers to surround bullies. Junkyards were our armories and the dirt pit held our secrets.

When we were children we scribbled little plans on pieces of scrap paper. We built giant talking...
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It's been a very introspective last few days. Money and moving. Great changes: graduating after far too long a time, selfless love and 'all-that' - resumes and cover letters. All mundane, really. Parents wishes and eventual disappointments and pride. I really started smoking because a viola player in L.A. taught me how to light a cigarette off of another. In college, the first time I...
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Do you ever have those times when things just sort of sneak up on you? When you're sitting around, barely bothering, and suddenly bother comes your way? My lease is up in a month and a half and I've got nowhere to go. I can't move back in with my father, as there's no point, and I've no prospects of apartments, particularly, in the city,...
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It is unbelievable, I am sitting at Iggy's desk now, while she's in the shower, and there's not a pen to be found. I've looked around her 'room' and there's nothing here ... nowhere ... good lord, how can a person live without pens?

incidently, i just wooped her in both soccer and in jumping-accross-small-streams, which wasn't a game, until we decided it was. we...
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Tonight was average, we fucked, were walked in upon by a smal lhypoallergenic dog and his owner, and then went for subs and jalapeno pretzels.

Me: What should we search for on google images?
Iggy: Horsies!
Me: Hell no!
Her: Pandas?
Me: ... no.
.......
Me: Naked pandas!
.......
Her:: I wanna have a pouch to put mammals in!

What the last journal entry really meant was that I'm just so sick of this. When I first moved out of my father's house and started and uni. it was all so romantic, the pseudo-bohemian life-style, the being broke and eating scraps, wasting away and smoking constantly, drinking oblivion and putting anything up my nose that could be crushed. Now I'm just fucking sick of...
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