snow

i am in such a terrible state of mania. i HATE it. why can't i just be happy, without experiencing this. happy/sad/happy/sad. that is what i want. no more of this massive mood swing shit. it is destroying me. i have edited this journal so many times. nothing is right. i wrote i erased. i know i will regret that later. all of this noise. spinning. i want to come down, but i don't want to lose it. to lose the imagination, this false sense of happiness. at least i have energy, one good thing. i know i will come down. everytime. lower. she will be there. waiting for me. her cruel words. her criticism. this is tearing me open. now you can see my heart. i have to hide. to cover up. to wash it all off.