snakeplissken

Friends list thing sorted out. Clipped those I haven't heard from forever. Turns out 99% of them weren't even on the site anymore. That explains that.

So it's been about five weeks since I quite my anxiety medication. I didn't really want to, but the fact of the matter is I don't have health insurance, so to see a doctor and get a re-up would be far more than I could afford. So it was either use it all up and then start weaning or start weaning during vacation when things are mellow and I'm around family and friends. I opted for the second. So far it hasn't been terrible. I suffered a lot of insomnia due to a lot of negative self-talk and blaming myself for everything that went down badly for me in the last year. But that seems so far to have passed. I've stabilized a lot and I think I'm over the worst of it. We'll see.

So while prozac did help me immensely it, there were some negative side effects. Complete and utter loss of sex drive was one, but that doesn't really matter when you can count the last time you got laid in presidential terms. Other than that it did bring out some aggression in my personality as well as a bit of an "Office Space" attitude in terms of giving a shit. Not good either, but neither were things that were problematic or would make me regret being on medication. At this point I'm working on learning to cope with the anxiety, to learn what is proper to have worry about and what isn't and how to deal with both things.

Trying to date over the last six months since I split with K has been a bit of a rough experience. I really hate formal dating; it's like a job interview that ends in me possibly getting laid. Too much pressure, I'd rather get friendly with someone and move from there. Problem with that is I tend to get in that friendzone doing that. Not much can be done about that I guess. Shit or get off the pot.

Got stood up on a brewdate a while ago. Made plans, bought lots of snacky shit out of my price range, and beers to match. And I sat and waited. And waited. And got drunk and went to bed when I decided she was gonna no call no show me. Funny thing is I should have been mad, but I wasn't. I slipped right back into my old self-blame mode instead of the proper emotional mode I should have been. I need to get out of that tendency, I did it for a year with my ex. Blamed everything on myself; the broken promises, broken plans, and general shitty treatment I received from her. I didn't see what was until it had been going on for a whole year and then it dawned on me I was a sucker and I ended it. I need not to slip back to that tendency to not see things until the moment has passed. Perhaps I will, perhaps I won't.

Things are ok for now I suppose. I'm on this side of the dirt, I have a roof over my head (for now), and I have food in my belly. But what I really need is more real life friends. I have some damn fine ones, but they live 80 miles away and that makes sitting down for a talk when I need it really difficult. Honestly I'm thinking it's time to move my butt up to portland and get established. Make some new friendships, reinforce the old ones, and maybe find some romance so I don't feel so hollow all the time.

Time to make a plan.