smilesadly

so last night i told my wife i'm leaving this town, for real. She knew i was thinking about it but i don't think she believed it would actually happen.. But she's been gone from our home for 2 years. And she's all i've known for the past 8 years. so yeah, my mind is a little fucked up right now...
But she knew it was coming i think? But for the record, up until this past May... She could have always come back home!. But still she insists at pulling at heart string. Last night she insisted on playing an Ani DiFranco song for me, and she knows how Ani gets under my skin.. Can't tell you what it was but she kept saying listen...listen to the words.. All I could was shut my brain off, grind my teeth, and play cold... play dead.. She started to cry again and I hugged her and kissed her head and walked her out... She went to ask why... but i could not give her the chance... I got in my car and left.. She followed for a bit and pulled along side, but I refused to look... And everyone makes me feel like i'm such the daft prick for turning my back on her... But it's killing me... When I started chemo she used those afternoons to go fuck her boyfriend... She showed up late to my 27th birthday... spun and smelling of sex... But yet it's my fault this relationship is dead!.. I'm the one turning my back.. And only Joe and Steph are supporting me in my choice.. but at the same they are mad that I won't move to where they live... that I'm going to the other side of the US!.. But I gotta get my head straight... I need to walk on the ice, and fill my lungs with frozen air.. I need to slow this massive flow of blood to my brain. I need to slow this pain and get back to being me!? cause i'm really not this fucked up?..
so for those that have met me... there will be another post before I leave....
and for my wife, here's my answer to your Ani......


think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you

i could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i
bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down the top 20 country songs

out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know i really don't look forward
to seeing you again soon.

you look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
i won't know what to do
i won't know what to say

so fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...