skys

i've spent today contimplating things, i've had a lot on my mind recently and i've been trying to think through it all methodically and rationally which isn't one of my qualities. firstly have i shot myself in the foot with this college thing, i'm so undecided with it and can't make my mind up which way to go, i'm ok with the practical side of it but anyone who knows me will realise although i could tackle the acedemic side of it but i would do it with lots of reluctance. and maybe not even do it at all. i don't have the motivation and never have done been able to do work at home.

there are other things, my mum asked me what my thoughts on scattering my grandma's ashes, and this is something we all have ignored for a while, as we haven't been able to deal with it really. when she died it crushed me like deaths with anyone close, it makes your life stand still,like your watching your life and misery as a photo, where can't move on and you try then it seems like life goes into hyperspeed. this really was a massive part of last year and has been playing on my mind since it happened.

so if i don't go back to college what do i do? do i get a job, would i be able to get a job as great as the one that i left. i always say that i don't live my life with regrets i just learn from my mistakes. but it just feeels that i left an ideal job, working with some great guys and sold my beautiful horses, and gave up on the best guy in my life.

well the positives are i live in a great house in london, i'm not living in my hometown anymore, which was great but a bit too much after a while, and i go back regularly to see my wonderful mates. potentially every good band will sometime play in london sooner or later. and i now have a new man, who is lovely

bad points of london, i don't know masses of people here and talking to randoms doesn't seem like the best idea here. i spend too much money.

where does it go from here... i have no idea.