Trying the blog thing out and this is as good a place as any to share em. Lots of thoughts rattling around right now and want to release some pressure. Even if no one ever reads this, it's just nice to have it out.
It's 4am and I'm laying next to my sleeping wife obsessing over any and all news I can find. I read an article or see a factoid and then have to go triple check it to make sure there is any truth to it. The world is literally sick and burning and all I can think about is how do I fix this for my girls, let alone help them understand it. I think, not for the first time this week, "Thank God we're not black" and I hate myself for it. I'm thinking about African American friends from the past and old co-workers and I pray they are safe and okay. I keep asking myself "Am I or have I ever been a part of the problem?" and I can only hope not. I consider joining the protests taking place all over the country and quickly discard the idea, not out of fear for my own safety, but for that of my family. I accept that that may still make me a coward. Finally, I donate what feels like a laughably insignificant amount of money to one of the many funds being raised to help bail out protesters. I donate what I feel we can spare right now and simultaneously worry what my wife will say when she finds out but also worry that it's not enough. I wonder to myself why I feel this way. I've been so angry with my world, my country, and my fellow humans lately. I'm exhausted. I thought that the pandemic and my country's handling of it had wrung all the anger and sadness and frustration out of me. I was wrong. And it just keeps getting worse. And here I sit. I'm just one more middle aged white guy flailing around trying desperately not to be the bad guy. To any and all who are hurting right now, who are suffering and have suffered, who fear for their safety in most situations where I would never bat an eye, I am sorry. I am thinking of you. I am, in my own small way, trying to help you. I am cheering for you. I will never understand what you go through no matter how much I want to. But I am listening. I am paying attention. I am trying. I am indescribably proud of my three girls and wish I could be as proud of the world I am sending them into. I want to be better. I want us to be better. I want us to at least try.
elixic:
Dude, I'm so there with you! I've go zero money to donate at the problem due to long list of reasons I won't to into here, but COVID-19 definitely didn't help things. I've had to just step away from social media, the people are too toxic, the family, friends, and acquaintances I have that are all too comfortable with the status quo has got me feeling really angry and frustrated. I have also felt completely powerless to help. When I consider attending protests I feel like my presence will be insignificant, and there must be something else I can do. I'm not a violent person, I don't have the time or energy to go hold signs in my city, which makes me feel like I'm making excuses and leaning on my white privilege that allows me to actually feel like "I don't have time." But honestly, if there are 2000 people in the park protesting, is my presence going to add anything? So, what I've come up with, is that I'll go looking for all the local government meetings I can possibly attend, and I'll attend them. I'll do research on what it means to "Defund the Police" and I'll make that my mantra. I'll make sure our local community changes the way it hires and disciplines polices officers. I'll make sure our local community hears well thought out arguments for why the police need a smaller budget, and how that money needs to be diverted to other social programs that the police will have to take care of it the money isn't diverted. This fight isn't going to end this week, this month, this year, or I suspect, even this decade. It's going to take a concentrated effort over generations to undo the centuries of entrenched racism our country is built on. I'm ready for the long haul, and I'll be sure my kid is there with me when they are old enough to start doing the same.