ON THE DEMONS
Sometime's I wonder if I am besting my demons, as my profile sentence insinuates... I guess the fact that I'm still here and enjoying a reasonably adequate existence as opposed to having given up and followed the dust-to-dust path, or being a total wreck all of the time does indicate that I am indeed besting the old bastards. But it certainly ain't easy and it certainly ain't what I want it to be, and the ever present writhing pit of anxiety that manifests itself in my chest is clear indicator of that. It has been about 2 years now since my journey into that fear-laden abyss that has dogged my life so wilfully, and despite my efforts to break away from it all, it has managed to cling on and resurface, always right when I feel that I am on the cusp of breaking away from it for good.
So what is it that keep me from breaking free? Is it myself... my circumstances? A combination of both perhaps? Or had I journeyed so far so quickly into my own personal hell that I left a piece of me behind that I can never reclaim? Yet I have seen the peace I longingly seek - and I have seen it more than once during the course of my malady. It's just that grasping it and holding onto it proves to be so difficult. That must however be the key... being able to hold on to the simple truth that is so often masked by this anxiety. The simple truth that there is nothing to fear - that my fear itself is nothing but a lie; a fraud born of unfortunate circumstances and unfounded speculation. The fear has deceived me and I have been led by the strength of the fear, both in its mental and physical manifestations on so many occasions, to so many dark places. I have disproved my fear countless times and yet I still feel at its mercy. It has remained for so long now that when it is gone and I have found peace I always expect it to be round the corner waiting, and so a self awareness that searches for it is inevitable, and drives it.
I must however hold on to the hope that I will once again be whole; that I will break away for good and that I will look back on this time with triumphant eyes. The struggle within must end or it is I who will end. Some day I will find my salvation.... and a lady love in whom I can trust and find happiness, for that too is what I am lacking.
"...Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. Samuel Beckett
Sometime's I wonder if I am besting my demons, as my profile sentence insinuates... I guess the fact that I'm still here and enjoying a reasonably adequate existence as opposed to having given up and followed the dust-to-dust path, or being a total wreck all of the time does indicate that I am indeed besting the old bastards. But it certainly ain't easy and it certainly ain't what I want it to be, and the ever present writhing pit of anxiety that manifests itself in my chest is clear indicator of that. It has been about 2 years now since my journey into that fear-laden abyss that has dogged my life so wilfully, and despite my efforts to break away from it all, it has managed to cling on and resurface, always right when I feel that I am on the cusp of breaking away from it for good.
So what is it that keep me from breaking free? Is it myself... my circumstances? A combination of both perhaps? Or had I journeyed so far so quickly into my own personal hell that I left a piece of me behind that I can never reclaim? Yet I have seen the peace I longingly seek - and I have seen it more than once during the course of my malady. It's just that grasping it and holding onto it proves to be so difficult. That must however be the key... being able to hold on to the simple truth that is so often masked by this anxiety. The simple truth that there is nothing to fear - that my fear itself is nothing but a lie; a fraud born of unfortunate circumstances and unfounded speculation. The fear has deceived me and I have been led by the strength of the fear, both in its mental and physical manifestations on so many occasions, to so many dark places. I have disproved my fear countless times and yet I still feel at its mercy. It has remained for so long now that when it is gone and I have found peace I always expect it to be round the corner waiting, and so a self awareness that searches for it is inevitable, and drives it.
I must however hold on to the hope that I will once again be whole; that I will break away for good and that I will look back on this time with triumphant eyes. The struggle within must end or it is I who will end. Some day I will find my salvation.... and a lady love in whom I can trust and find happiness, for that too is what I am lacking.
"...Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. Samuel Beckett