sigma

I'm very sorry. I hope that you can get things worked out with this.....I know that personally I don't know how upsetting this is but I can sure as hell understand the frustration level you must be at at the moment. If you need to vent some more you know where to find me sweetie.

More like an accordian.
*Pulls out said instrement and plays a polka while dancing in leiderhosen.

Lol seems more of a story from a book/movie. nice details!!

gosh. now i wanna go to Amsterdam. i bet that place looks awesome...do you have any pics?

Wow....that sounds like quite a trip!!

Well that wasn't where I expected the harshness to come in. In fact I don't find it to be particularly harsh. It may in fact be too late for me to shed some of my reactions to societal expectations. I am not sure if losing all the things I take for granted would actually change things. It might, I don't know. Funny I really thought that you were going somewhere else with this. I think my actual problem is my inability to be an asshole. Not that people have not thought I was being as asshole, just that I have often suspected that some of the people out there who are complete assholes are happier than me. My problem is that I can't dismiss the concerns of people I don't actually care very much about because I know that they don't understand why I don't care. I know it probably sounds like I care for these people more than I am saying but in fact I don't at least not more than any other human being. I don't like hurting people unless they have done something to make them deserve that pain. Some people expect that you will care more about them than you do other people, merely because our society says those are the kind of people you are supposed to care about. I take extra care not because I actually care more about them but because I know they think i SHOULD care more about them. at times it becomes a strange burden.
I don't know how else to explain it and I fear I have not done a good job, but I suspect it is the reason why I answered this question {would you rather spend the rest of your life with the person that you love without equal, or the person that loves you to no end? (Waiting for both is not an option in this question.)} from Kestrel's journal the way that I did. Almost everyone was choosing to spend their life with the person who loved them and I said "being with someone who loves you more than you love them is harder than people think. I would take the rest of my life with the person I love. I guess I would rather be hurt than do the hurting." in a later comment I added "maybe if you didn't care about the other person at all, then being the one more loved would be ok, seems pretty callous though, but if you care then you start to feel trapped, you don't want to hurt them, but.... you aren't happy either" And this is the problem I have with everyone. I always care a little, enough so I don't want to hurt them. I Just never care enought to allow myself to be happy being around them. If that makes any sense at all. Deep down I fear it does not and therein lies the great tragedy.




[Edited on May 11, 2004 11:33PM]

No I asked her but she lives quite a way away. Otherwise, I would've totally met her already.

It means you've watched the Matrix one too mnay times.....LOL.

I will try to think of some good quesitons for you later today!

Ok well I definetly feel like your sister is special...in a good way for something to happen like that twice...maybe the evil spirits of the earth are trying to harm her because she's a good human being... as far as your dream....that shit was funny!!! Maybe the dream is trying to warn you to make careful decisions.....

programmer might be pushing it, script child maybe?

That you very much. I tried.

shit, I knew something was wrong when I looked at it. 133t. right. Im gonna go be l33t now somewhere else.

Well I would respond that any world that recognizes Descartes as a philosopher and not Franklin is a sad, sad world. I don't know we read him, Payne, Voltaire, Jefferson & a few others that people probably don't think of as philosphers but the definition we went by was always "seeker of knowledge for its own sake". That would include Franklin in my book. And i think we all start as philospohers. It is just that most of us stop.

1. When I realized that my book was about collectivity AND was a Cyberpunk philosophy.

2. To finish my book, finish the army, and see my great-grandfather at least one more time.

3. 4 hours without coming up for air.

4. Asimov, Einstein, Di Vinci, and Rand

5. Shit...almoost any given Actress or Actor

6. Redoing this life until I live every day exactly the way I want to.

7. Sitting at her linux box, running Reason, making a track with a half-headphon up to one ear and a joint in the other hand. Smiling. Kinda like how I visualize Asha, only with ethereal glow.

8. Yes, and god is it a good feeling.

9. God

10. I'm 99% sure that they already do.

11. Yes, all of them.

12. World Peace.

13. Yes.

14. hmm...ideally? I'll take RIGHT FUCKING NOW for 500 Alex.

Thanks nice to know that people are out there who can relate. Always helps me to feel less alone. The pic is one of Luis Royo's and I am quite fond of it.
Ok guess I will give the questions a shot.

1. Watching my daughter's birth.
2. Finding and holding on to true love.
3. Not long enough
4. Socrates, Da Vinci, Robin Hobb, Jhonen Vasquez, Neal Gaimen, Joseph Norio Uemura, & Too many musicians to name.
5. Almost every ex-boyfriend of any of my 3 sisters, the guys who robbed me at gunpoint and on some days...... this is gonna sound bad....... but you have no idea...... my mother.
6. A life where I am free to love who i want without having to worry about hurting people I care about.
7. My inability/refusal to conceptualize god is the only thing that allows me to believe. God exists. Any attempts to further define god's existance interferes with my spirituality.
8. Yes I feel it all the time. I only feel imprisoned and lonely around other people.
9. Doesn't matter.
10. yes
11. no songs, many, many poems, several stories and 1/2 a novel.
12. My daughter. Anything else is tricky. The concept of world peace scares me. I can see that happening and a very scary society developing where people are routinely oppresses but no one ever fights back. As Bob Marley "I don't want no peace without Justice"
13. No, But I wish it existed.
14. I guess now, but I would choose to be born in the early 80's. I seem to be more in tune with that generation than with my own. Besides I would like to be closer in age to my ex best friend Jen and to some of my favorites on this site Benni, Ash, Bracket and Delusion who is not a suicide girl but certainly should be.

[Edited on May 05, 2004 11:20PM]

1. I can and it terrifies me. I fear more than anything the end of conscious thought. I want to believe in some kind of afterlife, any kind, but I don't so I have a severe fear of my own mortality.
2. No, for all the reasons above.
3. Yes, most often when around other people. The worst kind of alone.
4. Yes, many times. it keeps me hoping that it will happen again.
5. Yes, my best friend, twice now. two different friends, one was driven away after I forgave him for sleeping with my SO, I could forgive him but she couldn't, the other left because she says she was tired of waiting for me, but I never knew she was...
6. No but I have seen works of art that made me cry, one was a portrait of me and I shudder at the pain that she captured. I hate that people see that in me.
7. Yes, see above, I loved them both in different ways.
8. Have I ever not?
9. No but OMG just the thought has me close to a panic attack.

Don't you worry about me....I can answer them all. Mainly because I'm doing it as they come in and saving them....LOL.

when the book writes itself, i hear that's a great sign of an amazing "thing" to come. keep it up!!!

Im still here. Good luck with your book.