my part time lover leaves state in several days. free sex is no longer in my future... i imagine i'll have to invest some emotional content into it from now on. as opposed to restraining that impulse as much as possible. in the long run, i know i have managed to find another excellent friend.
how many have fallen like leaves at the end of summer, how many wetted to the ground by the fall's first heavy rain. carried downstream to be lost from sight forever. many. but not this one i hope. and in some sense, once i've held each one, and understood the truth of them, then they are with me always. or so it feels sometimes.
her departure only makes my own desire to fly all the more poignant. but where to go, how to get there. i suppose i ought to settle down, reign it all in and get ready to go. the heart tells me to just leave, fly, run hard and fast, all day, all night. collapse where i may, plant new roots wherever i may land. for some reason i can't let myself do this. financial concerns as primary, personal affections a far distant ethereal second. just go, it says to me, just leave. pack it up and run.
and the days come and go. and i find myself ever more comfortable in my strange little routines. no farther than ever before, no matter where i may be.
several years ago i had the drive. i had the plan. i even had the support. i pushed it as far as it would go, and then i quit. some parts of me, it seems, will always win out. the desire for comfort.
sometimes i think i have yet to sink my teeth into my own life. yet to make a difference to myself. these concerns transcend my wish for a little bit of love, are greater than my friendships, weigh upon my thoughts night and day. such to the point where i can't think about it at all anymore. i suppose this is not unusual. i suppose i'm fairly typical in many ways. trying to find my niche in this place. have a good time, make an impact. trying to not be forgotten. trying to be missed.
where to go, what to do when i get there. am i lost, or just listing. waving or drowning. gaining strength, or wasting time? does it really matter at all?
how many have fallen like leaves at the end of summer, how many wetted to the ground by the fall's first heavy rain. carried downstream to be lost from sight forever. many. but not this one i hope. and in some sense, once i've held each one, and understood the truth of them, then they are with me always. or so it feels sometimes.
her departure only makes my own desire to fly all the more poignant. but where to go, how to get there. i suppose i ought to settle down, reign it all in and get ready to go. the heart tells me to just leave, fly, run hard and fast, all day, all night. collapse where i may, plant new roots wherever i may land. for some reason i can't let myself do this. financial concerns as primary, personal affections a far distant ethereal second. just go, it says to me, just leave. pack it up and run.
and the days come and go. and i find myself ever more comfortable in my strange little routines. no farther than ever before, no matter where i may be.
several years ago i had the drive. i had the plan. i even had the support. i pushed it as far as it would go, and then i quit. some parts of me, it seems, will always win out. the desire for comfort.
sometimes i think i have yet to sink my teeth into my own life. yet to make a difference to myself. these concerns transcend my wish for a little bit of love, are greater than my friendships, weigh upon my thoughts night and day. such to the point where i can't think about it at all anymore. i suppose this is not unusual. i suppose i'm fairly typical in many ways. trying to find my niche in this place. have a good time, make an impact. trying to not be forgotten. trying to be missed.
where to go, what to do when i get there. am i lost, or just listing. waving or drowning. gaining strength, or wasting time? does it really matter at all?
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
noir:
And I actually wasn't down when I took that picture yesterday. It just looks like it (to me), so I used it to illustrate today's point.
prockg:
You're number is one of three I have made sure not too lose. Feel special. Or scared. Or something. Yeah, I'll try not to drunk-dial you. 