sicpowered

I am not a technical resource, for you. For others perhaps. You are drunk, you want answers to questions you have not asked, for which i cannot and/or will not supply. You make little bits of sense, as pieces of glass are perfectly logical and sharp on the floor when once they were a beautiful vase on the mantel. You have not earned the answers, nor is it time served the only virtue that will garner these. I am not an object, i am only a facet of the life you envision. I am untouchable. Ask your questions of him, not me, he is the one you want the answers from, though you be too scared to listen. Though he may not be truthful, you need not fear the questions. I do not weigh judgments off the cuff, do not see the world through your small eye, do not speak only to small people. Typically, i do not speak that much at all. If i do, you do not dare turn your back, for i shall find that rude, and I do not suffer these things without recourse. You are not an asshole, you are just selfish and a little oblivious, you are not mean, mean people are far worse than you. If you in fact are, well, funny one on me, but then you are the liar, ma'am. I am not a key to his mind heart or soul, if he still has any of these things available. if he still has them at all. I am not to be objectified by you. I am just his friend.

Or so i thought to say after the fact. Three guesses how my evening went. How the transparencies of others can so easily fall below my self blind eye.I do not want to see at the time, because i want to believe people for what they want to present, rather than how they present. a foolish lesson learned, and clutched to. I also like to talk, to discuss, to reveal, to guess, to figure out and to postulate. mostly i like to talk, i like the idea of people listening to me, even if they don't and only just pretend.

I would like to have a real goddamn conversation, with a real person, who actually respects the words falling from my mouth. preferably face to face, preferably in a large cold room, under thick covers. Yes, sex is a conversation, just the language is different. barring that, some space to be quiet in, some books, and paper/pen. barring all that some fucking sleep without interruption...

I want all of these things, and as by the defining well of emotion behind "want" i do not have, and will not receive, these things.

poor me, boo ho, good night, thanks for listening (i really mean that one) and tip your waitress. I'll be here all week....