NEWSFLASH! THE RAT-PACK IS NOT COOL.
Recently, some clueless hipster saw me come into a place of business late at night. He disappeared for a moment and then the music suddenly changed. The syrupy sweet crooning of that wannabe goomba, Frank Sinatra came on. This high-functioning retard actually looked at me with a sly grin as if to say, See, Im coollike you. But no, he was sadly mistaken.
This buffoon was about 25 or so (the perfect candidate for a 78th trimester abortion). The kind of idiot who thinks swing dancing is cool. Allow me to explain to all of you out there in dumbass-ville why the Rat-Pack is NOT cool.
PART I; THE CULPRITS
A. FRANK SINATRA; SENIOR CITIZEN TOUGH GUY
I was really hoping that Sinead OConnor would have taken Frank up on his offer to fight. Nothing would have pleased me more than to see his crusty old octogenarian ass get whooped by a wispy, bald headed Irish chick who cries when she covers a crappy Prince song. Mostly, what annoyed me about this dinosaur of show business, is that he tried to perpetrate the image of a tough-guy mobster type while he was just a glorified lounge singer. Anyone who buys that should purchase the bridge I am currently selling. Frank Sinatra was no killer (although he did murder every song he ever sang).
B. DEAN MARTIN
Talentless drunk who had chronically messed-up hair. This guy was a millionaire and he couldnt afford a comb? Give me a break. I bet he stank of cologne and stale booze-sweat. So greasy-I could fry bacon on his back.
C. PETER LAWFORD
Fuck that guy.
D. THE EXCEPTION; SAMMY DAVIS JR.
Any 90 pound, scrawny black dude with a glass eye who was SIMULTANEOUSLY a member of the Church Of Satan AND a converted Jew, and who liked to fuck white chicks was undoubtedly a cool motherfucker! He was also the only Rat-Packer who could dance. R.I.P. Sammy. I hope when you got to heaven, someone had saved your missing eyeball for you.
PART II, THE MUSIC
It sucks. If these songs sucked in 1962, they double-suck now. Wake up hipsters! This shite is just background music; a soundtrack to be played in retirement homes in order to cover the death rattles of the elderly as they croak.
IN CONCLUSION;
You are not cool because you resurrected grandpas album collection. If you attempt to dress the part, loiter at tiki-bars drinking out of coconuts, refering to girls as Doll face, you should have acid thrown on your genitals.
Go buy a Discharge record and shut the fuck up.
Recently, some clueless hipster saw me come into a place of business late at night. He disappeared for a moment and then the music suddenly changed. The syrupy sweet crooning of that wannabe goomba, Frank Sinatra came on. This high-functioning retard actually looked at me with a sly grin as if to say, See, Im coollike you. But no, he was sadly mistaken.
This buffoon was about 25 or so (the perfect candidate for a 78th trimester abortion). The kind of idiot who thinks swing dancing is cool. Allow me to explain to all of you out there in dumbass-ville why the Rat-Pack is NOT cool.
PART I; THE CULPRITS
A. FRANK SINATRA; SENIOR CITIZEN TOUGH GUY
I was really hoping that Sinead OConnor would have taken Frank up on his offer to fight. Nothing would have pleased me more than to see his crusty old octogenarian ass get whooped by a wispy, bald headed Irish chick who cries when she covers a crappy Prince song. Mostly, what annoyed me about this dinosaur of show business, is that he tried to perpetrate the image of a tough-guy mobster type while he was just a glorified lounge singer. Anyone who buys that should purchase the bridge I am currently selling. Frank Sinatra was no killer (although he did murder every song he ever sang).
B. DEAN MARTIN
Talentless drunk who had chronically messed-up hair. This guy was a millionaire and he couldnt afford a comb? Give me a break. I bet he stank of cologne and stale booze-sweat. So greasy-I could fry bacon on his back.
C. PETER LAWFORD
Fuck that guy.
D. THE EXCEPTION; SAMMY DAVIS JR.
Any 90 pound, scrawny black dude with a glass eye who was SIMULTANEOUSLY a member of the Church Of Satan AND a converted Jew, and who liked to fuck white chicks was undoubtedly a cool motherfucker! He was also the only Rat-Packer who could dance. R.I.P. Sammy. I hope when you got to heaven, someone had saved your missing eyeball for you.
PART II, THE MUSIC
It sucks. If these songs sucked in 1962, they double-suck now. Wake up hipsters! This shite is just background music; a soundtrack to be played in retirement homes in order to cover the death rattles of the elderly as they croak.
IN CONCLUSION;
You are not cool because you resurrected grandpas album collection. If you attempt to dress the part, loiter at tiki-bars drinking out of coconuts, refering to girls as Doll face, you should have acid thrown on your genitals.
Go buy a Discharge record and shut the fuck up.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
shiva8:
yeah, i know if i didn't have the season-thing i'd be complaining about it. 'specially come the holidays in december and all. still....
blanketmermaid:
hey thanks for the comment, i hope we do get to know eachother. i promise i wont ask too many questions at once. 