Thinking about life now.
Passion pleases me. Letting life like water, fill me to the brim with sensations and emotions. Letting my cells saturate with pure raw primal-ness.
Sadly, after 2? 3? weeks of trying for passion I have found that the search for passion displeases me. The pursuit itself fills me with a great sense of revulsion.
The feeling of desire for a woman, love, lust, everything it entails fills me with a slight twinge. I do not like it. I watched two or three of the most beautiful women dance at the club 2 (almost 3) fridays ago. The feeling that filled me was unpleasant. I didn't desire them. There was an aesthetic beauty that I enjoyed, but nothing gripped at passion, lust, desire, emotion. I felt cold and analytical watching them.
Even now, having had to bury my feelings for a good friend of mine (for the benefit of her continuing to speak to me) I no longer really feel for her either. She is quite pleasing to look at, but beyond the aethetic there is nothing. Emptiness, void, the black and white that consumes all.
Beyond this though, dancing, the one thing I have taken great joy in. Now it feels forced, I control my movements, I analyze, match tempo, slide, step, a motion with my arms. Emptiness, void.
The pursuit displeases me. I hate it. The feeling of emptiness, desires unfulfilled, self-loathing. Everything that comes along with it. Nothing matches my wishes, my hopes. My skin tingles and crawls. I want to be alone.
Everything, emptiness, void. In a way this is what I wanted. I feel more like going back to my quiet, passionless self now. I didn't even engage in any passion, but the desire has gone away. or shifted. or I've buried it. Probably the last of those.
Simultaneously I want to express my love for the universe. I want to be the fount from which joy, contentment, and compassion flow. I feel incapable though. I am not the appropriate vessel for my own persona. I am quiet, shy, uncharismatic. I find myself incapable of expressing what I feel adequately. I want people to be happy or at least content. I want to wipe away the misery in the lives of people around me, and yet, everyone i know seems to be filled with sadness, loneliness, and suffering. I offer myself, my love, my emotion, my compassion, my care to all and they turn me away.
I know sadness, loneliness, depression, pain. When I felt these I consoled myself in the care of friends. now I cannot return the favor to the universe. i feel like the wheel is broken. I have received, but my gifts are rejected.
Passion pleases me. Letting life like water, fill me to the brim with sensations and emotions. Letting my cells saturate with pure raw primal-ness.
Sadly, after 2? 3? weeks of trying for passion I have found that the search for passion displeases me. The pursuit itself fills me with a great sense of revulsion.
The feeling of desire for a woman, love, lust, everything it entails fills me with a slight twinge. I do not like it. I watched two or three of the most beautiful women dance at the club 2 (almost 3) fridays ago. The feeling that filled me was unpleasant. I didn't desire them. There was an aesthetic beauty that I enjoyed, but nothing gripped at passion, lust, desire, emotion. I felt cold and analytical watching them.
Even now, having had to bury my feelings for a good friend of mine (for the benefit of her continuing to speak to me) I no longer really feel for her either. She is quite pleasing to look at, but beyond the aethetic there is nothing. Emptiness, void, the black and white that consumes all.
Beyond this though, dancing, the one thing I have taken great joy in. Now it feels forced, I control my movements, I analyze, match tempo, slide, step, a motion with my arms. Emptiness, void.
The pursuit displeases me. I hate it. The feeling of emptiness, desires unfulfilled, self-loathing. Everything that comes along with it. Nothing matches my wishes, my hopes. My skin tingles and crawls. I want to be alone.
Everything, emptiness, void. In a way this is what I wanted. I feel more like going back to my quiet, passionless self now. I didn't even engage in any passion, but the desire has gone away. or shifted. or I've buried it. Probably the last of those.
Simultaneously I want to express my love for the universe. I want to be the fount from which joy, contentment, and compassion flow. I feel incapable though. I am not the appropriate vessel for my own persona. I am quiet, shy, uncharismatic. I find myself incapable of expressing what I feel adequately. I want people to be happy or at least content. I want to wipe away the misery in the lives of people around me, and yet, everyone i know seems to be filled with sadness, loneliness, and suffering. I offer myself, my love, my emotion, my compassion, my care to all and they turn me away.
I know sadness, loneliness, depression, pain. When I felt these I consoled myself in the care of friends. now I cannot return the favor to the universe. i feel like the wheel is broken. I have received, but my gifts are rejected.
dia:
I just melted everywhere... everywhere... you'll have to very gently scrape me back up and pour me back into my bottle.
shachia:
i'm sure I can find a wonderful bottle to return you to. A little time in the refrigerator will deal with that melting too...