So I still miss her every day. The idea of moving on is still alien, but we still share the same flat and the same bed. Saying goodbye every morning with out a kiss is as terrible as it sounds.
What does this mean? Well I need to move out, I know that, but what then? Am I supposed to move on, let 4 1/2 year disappear so easily? A friend of mind told me not to give up on her yet. I agree - hope for the best prepare for the worst. I need to know what I still mean to her.
I can't shake the fear that there is some one else. I don't really believe this but how can it be anything else. OK it would be totally out of character, but so is breaking up with me, without any warning. When one thing changes does everything? Are we strangers? Are we ever anything else? I used to believe that, that all people where truly strangers, that we are all islands to each other. I didn't believe it dogmatically, more hypothetically but for awhile I didn't feel alone. Yet as I could seen none of this coming were we not alien to each other. The deepest most intimate relationship I have ever had, the most complete and all consuming could just evaporate in one moment.
Will knowing more help me? What if I meet someone else? What if she does? Fuck, I just don't know.
**********************
Getting back to music has been hard. I'd never thought of it but listening to music on head phones is a very personal experience; I heard the music in my head like its my own thoughts. Its the same with novels. I just can't start The First Circle again because its to much of a personal experience, I don't want to be that involved.
What does this mean? Well I need to move out, I know that, but what then? Am I supposed to move on, let 4 1/2 year disappear so easily? A friend of mind told me not to give up on her yet. I agree - hope for the best prepare for the worst. I need to know what I still mean to her.
I can't shake the fear that there is some one else. I don't really believe this but how can it be anything else. OK it would be totally out of character, but so is breaking up with me, without any warning. When one thing changes does everything? Are we strangers? Are we ever anything else? I used to believe that, that all people where truly strangers, that we are all islands to each other. I didn't believe it dogmatically, more hypothetically but for awhile I didn't feel alone. Yet as I could seen none of this coming were we not alien to each other. The deepest most intimate relationship I have ever had, the most complete and all consuming could just evaporate in one moment.
Will knowing more help me? What if I meet someone else? What if she does? Fuck, I just don't know.
**********************
Getting back to music has been hard. I'd never thought of it but listening to music on head phones is a very personal experience; I heard the music in my head like its my own thoughts. Its the same with novels. I just can't start The First Circle again because its to much of a personal experience, I don't want to be that involved.