seth0067

So while talking inre snailmail with Penny today, I think we agreed that we should rename the "Post Office" the "Post Orifice" and make it so when you went to drop off your mail, instead of a box, you would just go and stick it up a monkey's ass . Of course this would require something more heavy duty than normal envelopes, so I thought that rolling letters into used tampon applicators might do the trick. Just the right size for a monkeys ass! Anything bigger might make him or her a tad cranky Imagine how much more fun mailmen would have! No more heavy or cumbersome mailbags, just a pet monkey in tow wearing a little postal cap. They go from door to door and the monkey simply poops the mail out. So simple, yet so elegant! Of course what we use now as mailboxes would have to be engineered more like litter boxes

In other news, I had to go to take a five-hour driver's course today as I have been a lame-ass and haven't renewed my driver's license in about six years. The class was about 5 hours and broke down approximately like this:

6:00 pm 6:15pm: Veteran instructor Lou Cohen plays solitaire with students learner permits. Begins by reciting every students name, and starts again from the beginning every time someone new enters the classroom, which happens every minute or so until 6:12.

6:16 pm 6:30 pm: Learned I was in a DRIVERS CLASS (You got that? DRIVER'S CLASS"). Break scheduled for 9 PM.

6:31 pm 7:00 pm: Road signs. Note: Signs on blackboard are smaller than they appear in real life. Caution: Instructor is NOT an artist! Railroad signs make Bing!Bing!Bing! noise.

7:01 pm 7:45 pm: Right of way - A VERY COMPLEX concept. Make sure you always watch traffic carefully as your eyes are your true vision.

7:03 pm: I realize that Mr. Cohen, who is constantly bumping into his desk, while a noted expert on driving, is not as skilled at driving his body around ordinary household furniture.

7:45 pm 8:00 pm: Im going to name some fluids get to know your fluids. Does this include soda stains crusted into car floor? Cumstains on back seat?

8:01 pm 8:15 pm: Repeatedly jab pencil into thigh in order to stay awake and relieve boredom. Hoping for arterial spray and 911 by 8:30.

8:16 pm 9:00 pm: instructional video with TVs "Coach" and blonde morning show news harpy. Guest stars several wheelchair bound people (This happened to me and it could happen to YOU!), Tim Allen , Annie Potts , Hammer , Rue McClanahan.

9 pm 9:15 pm: break for coffee. One student mysteriously disappears leaving learners permit behind. This flusters Mr. Cohen for the rest of the evening - possible explanation for ending hour early.

9:15pm 9:30: Lous origin story about his early days in the post office: Because when youre junior, you dont have seniority!

9:31 pm 10: Hoping for the fondly remembered driving snuff film (Highways of Agony!!!), we get another video, no celebrities, about some responsible driver named Jennifer or Lisa who has really bad bangs, her equally responsible and gay co-worker/tennis partner, and a fun loving/donut eating/pick-up driving co-worker who is (you guessed it) not so responsible a driver. Ends with anticlimactic fender bender.

10:01 11: Well that was it. We got out an hour early with one semi-long last roll call. Exit sign over door grows halo and Hosannas can be heard from upstairs out on 14th street...