I remember this one night when he and I separated, not because we were fighting or particularly adversarial to one another, but just -- because. It's the kind of mysterious night of not-being-together that people ask about in the days and weeks afterward.
He found me in the radio station around 3 in the morning, after searching for me for a while. In retracing our steps we realized that for the past hour he's just been fifteen minutes behind me, looking in all of the corners and chairs I'd freshly abandoned.
"I really needed to find you," he said. "I was sitting with Z when Z's girlfriend came over and they got into a fight. They were arguing about Z, arguments in which I saw her own character, and I couldn't stand being around that kind of whining and stress."
I stared at him, smiled and gave him a kiss. "That's not true at all. The reason you needed to find me and was compelled to hunt for so long was because you needed me to hold you, look you in the eyes and just say, 'No, that's not you fighting with your girlfriend. There's nothing in that that reflects you.' And I wasn't there to do that for you." Then we sat on top of the heating vent at three in the morning, holding hands and feeling perfectly put-together.
When Alice and I left their apartment last evening we held hands and I told her that story. There are times in one's life when a sudden unfortunate event happens to someone else and the stark reflection on one's own situations which is revealed throws one into a bout of fear and insecurity.
I woke up this morning and thought about five years ago when my first highschool boyfriend dumped me. Every morning I would wake up, remember that he wasn't with me any more, and just start crying. It's all in the past of course and that's the first time I've thought of him in ages. For some reason I inexplicably woke up at six a.m. and I haven't been able to rest since -- despite going to bed at three. I wonder if it's sympathy insomnia or just biological flux. In either case, I'm still drunk.
And to rest the reader assured -- no, I am still starry-eyed for him, even in the face of unexpected introspection. Eleven more days... and nineteen more days.
He found me in the radio station around 3 in the morning, after searching for me for a while. In retracing our steps we realized that for the past hour he's just been fifteen minutes behind me, looking in all of the corners and chairs I'd freshly abandoned.
"I really needed to find you," he said. "I was sitting with Z when Z's girlfriend came over and they got into a fight. They were arguing about Z, arguments in which I saw her own character, and I couldn't stand being around that kind of whining and stress."
I stared at him, smiled and gave him a kiss. "That's not true at all. The reason you needed to find me and was compelled to hunt for so long was because you needed me to hold you, look you in the eyes and just say, 'No, that's not you fighting with your girlfriend. There's nothing in that that reflects you.' And I wasn't there to do that for you." Then we sat on top of the heating vent at three in the morning, holding hands and feeling perfectly put-together.
When Alice and I left their apartment last evening we held hands and I told her that story. There are times in one's life when a sudden unfortunate event happens to someone else and the stark reflection on one's own situations which is revealed throws one into a bout of fear and insecurity.
I woke up this morning and thought about five years ago when my first highschool boyfriend dumped me. Every morning I would wake up, remember that he wasn't with me any more, and just start crying. It's all in the past of course and that's the first time I've thought of him in ages. For some reason I inexplicably woke up at six a.m. and I haven't been able to rest since -- despite going to bed at three. I wonder if it's sympathy insomnia or just biological flux. In either case, I'm still drunk.
And to rest the reader assured -- no, I am still starry-eyed for him, even in the face of unexpected introspection. Eleven more days... and nineteen more days.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
email me if you wish to read it.
that is all.