ok so bear with me while i get all super personal and shit. im mentally ill. i deal with it the best i can, considering nobody seems to think its a serious problem but me. like i mentioned before, i come from a rich family. wha comes with that is a set of parents who have very odd views on the world. if i have a problem my mother, not wanting to admit that theres actually something wrong, will dismiss these things as cries for attention and ignore them. my father on the other hand, has been busting his ass non-stop (i mean it too) his whole life and passes these things off as laziness.
anyway, i have this problem. i dont know what its called, but it's most certainly not depression. thats what they diagnosed me with about ten years ago, consequently the last time i could afford to see a psychologist. its a sort of motivational paralysis. lets say i get mentally "frozen". i overeat, i dont speak, i dont leave the house. and if i do leave the house, i have sporadic, violent panic attacks. i end up in these patterns for weeks at a time, i stay inside like a shut-in. i dont talk about it while its happening. i really cant. Normally im a man of few words a lot of the time, but if i'm comfortable, i'll get on streaks where i'll go off and talk endlessly, theres sort of a balance. when i get in these funks, i dont do much talking at all.
i had a bit of an epiphany today. i realised that when i kept going i didnt fall into this funk. if every waking hour of my day is occupied, i dont have time to get "frozen". its hard to describe how it happens if youre not in my head, but trust me.
anyway, the fog lifted off my head for the first time in three weeks and i feel great. i got out and appied for a job, made myself a baked potato for lunch/dinner and feel generally feel better about myself. now i'm going to try to keep myself busy. there will not be a free moment in my day. if im not hunting for jobs, im taking pictures, or recording, or working on my book or just doing something... i will keep moving until my body forces me to sleep and ill feel good doing it.
mrscott
listening to: Tom Waits: mule variations
wearing: my black beanie nobody ever sees me without, the jeans and t shirt that when worn in combination, give me the ability to flirt heavily with girls without feeling the least bit shy.
feeling: great.
burning question of the day: why do we feel specifically drawn to some places over others?
anyway, i have this problem. i dont know what its called, but it's most certainly not depression. thats what they diagnosed me with about ten years ago, consequently the last time i could afford to see a psychologist. its a sort of motivational paralysis. lets say i get mentally "frozen". i overeat, i dont speak, i dont leave the house. and if i do leave the house, i have sporadic, violent panic attacks. i end up in these patterns for weeks at a time, i stay inside like a shut-in. i dont talk about it while its happening. i really cant. Normally im a man of few words a lot of the time, but if i'm comfortable, i'll get on streaks where i'll go off and talk endlessly, theres sort of a balance. when i get in these funks, i dont do much talking at all.
i had a bit of an epiphany today. i realised that when i kept going i didnt fall into this funk. if every waking hour of my day is occupied, i dont have time to get "frozen". its hard to describe how it happens if youre not in my head, but trust me.
anyway, the fog lifted off my head for the first time in three weeks and i feel great. i got out and appied for a job, made myself a baked potato for lunch/dinner and feel generally feel better about myself. now i'm going to try to keep myself busy. there will not be a free moment in my day. if im not hunting for jobs, im taking pictures, or recording, or working on my book or just doing something... i will keep moving until my body forces me to sleep and ill feel good doing it.
mrscott
listening to: Tom Waits: mule variations
wearing: my black beanie nobody ever sees me without, the jeans and t shirt that when worn in combination, give me the ability to flirt heavily with girls without feeling the least bit shy.
feeling: great.
burning question of the day: why do we feel specifically drawn to some places over others?
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
clara:
It is a big deal, but remember you can do something about it. Keep up the good work, friend.
kickstand:
kinda cool that you had a break thru...plus your an artist, you can always 'create' something to do.