THE SONS OF HERCULES
Or
SON OF HERCULES: THE LAND OF DARKNESS
Or
HERCULES THE INVINCIBLE, 1963, color
Apparently they could not decide on the title, nor even if it was Hercules or his son Argolese. But they are certain it was in The Land of Darkness! Dun dun dun dunnnnnn.
Hercul…Argolese saves Telca from a lion attack. Turns out she is the King’s daughter, who rewards Herc…umm…Argolese with some bread. Huh. Something probably got lost in the translation. Oh, and the right to marry her. Oh, except for his daughter. But if he kills a dragon, he may marry her. So off he goes, promising the King and a hag each a tooth from the dragon. Cut scene: Apparently Mongols then wander in and take the town. Meanwhile, Her…Argolese finds the dragon, which is really a clay-mation T-Rex and slays it. Umm, then the captured villagers are taken by the apparent Mongols to the evil Queen where the Telca is made her slave. Herc…darn it, I’ll never get used to this…Argolese returns and finds the town sacked. Off goes H…Argolese to free them, where he fights a disinterested sun bear and gets captured and then gets tied to elephants that try and fail to make a wish and pull him apart. LOL, the guards’ helmets have black and white plumes coming off them that make them look like skunks. Ooo, didn’t see that coming: Telca killed the evil Queen. Rock on! HArgolese frees the prisoners, allows lava to destroy the evil city, grabbing Telca on the way out. Sunset and smiles. Let me just say, we got a lot of up-skirt shots of HArgolese. A. Lot.
Favorite lines:
Evil Queen: “Who has thrown my guards into the Pit of Slime?!?” A better question is why do you have a Pit of Slime?
Narrator: “See the son of Hercules escape bondage!” Not willingly, he was having a good time!
GIANTS OF ROME, 1964 color
52 BC, Gaius Julius Caeser is trying to subdue the Gauls. Intro has lots of fight scenes. And sweeping militaristic music. The Druids seem to have a secret weapon to defeat the Roman legions. Claudius Marcellus and a small force are sent to destroy it. They get captured, find a woman, Livilla, escape, and then head to the Druid stronghold. The group dodges Gauls left and right, and then finally is able to discover the secret weapon: a catapult. That’s it, just one. Sure, it throws flaming rocks, but still, just one. Unless the Roman Legions aren’t what they used to be, this should be a simple work-around. But what do I know, I’m no Caeser. So they destroy it, fight ensues, Caeser wins against the Gauls, its all history. Literally. And that’s it. That is all. There is absolutely no reason this can be classified as Science Fiction. No reason at all. I was so distracted looking for a reason that I only got one line. **sigh**
Favorite lines:
Claudius Marcellus: “The Garlics are in revolt.” Maybe…it was just his accent?