saturn1

i know some things are my doing, and some are not. pain isn't taken easier if it is or isn't. sometimes i wonder what it would be like if pain discriminated. like, if i'd get more or i'd get less and if it would matter because at least then i'd see it coming. balances, checks and measures and preparation & such. but instead it always surprises me... things are going fine, sometimes great even, and someone is taken from me or someone does something that hurts ... and all i can really do at this point is feel angry because i've done this for almost three decades and i should be able to at least see it coming and prepare.

guess not. i need to study buddhism or some shit.

nothing like getting a big fat reality check with your shortcomings staring you rather bluntly in the face, bright so that when you squeeze your eyes shut it's all still there lauging at you. i think i need to call a few people tomorrow and get my thinking back into perspective.

anyways

im going to resume with the wrapping myself up in blankets and looking forward to giggling like a fucking idiot with my favorite person. perhaps i'll brush my teeth all day between tacos. that would be shiteatingringiggle happy, fo reeeal