While contemplating a response to a message this morning I came to a realization. Since my surgery I have struggled to express how it has affected me. The best I have been able to come up with is "My brain does not work the same" which doesn't get across what I am trying to say. However this morning I figured out an analogy. Have you ever had a nightmare where you are trying to run but your body won't respond? No matter how hard you try nothing happens or you barely move and you are frustrated because you know you are capable of running. That is how I feel mentally. I used to be much more mentally agile, now it feels like my brain just won't respond. I struggle to do things I previously did with ease. I have always been able to convey myself easily, I used to be able to solve problems quickly. I used to be strong with numbers, which is convenient since my entire job is numbers. All of this is a struggle now and it is hard on my emotionally. If I'm being honest I'm terrified it will never get better or may even get worse.
I really should be focusing on the positive. I have a job that provides me the insurance to have my health attended to. Because of this my neurosurgeon was able to save my sight and save me from serious brain damage. He was able to make it so I can continue to enjoy my son, to continue to physically watch him grow. However, right now I am in an adjustment period so that is not my focus. But it needs to be.
