god dam motherfucking shit ass crap of a dink.
and thats just me.
i need to start this with i am happy, really, i am a happy happy person, with a happy happy healthy family.
but then theres me, and i am sick of being me. i am sick of getting on here and writing about how crappy i feel, or crappy i think my life is, or how i should be so happy cause i really dont have anything to be unhappy about, but yet, i am. even my happy posts come across as unhappy,
and i know it.
trust, i dont evem trust myself usually, how the fuck do i trust someone else???? i mean there is bullshit everywhere, with everyone, but how much does it really matter.
do u want me to like u or not??? or do u want me to like who u want to be??? not who u are.
just dont lie or bullshit me??? how hard is that???
but can i do the same, because everyone lies, right???
there are always little lies, little half truths, little manipulations, but its the intention isnt it??? i mean, if someone does bull shit u, but only because they dont want to hurt you, isnt tthat good??? even though in the same way, how do u trust what they say, if they will lie to be nice???
and how do u hold that against them?
what am i doing with life?? 12 years is pretty big, but is it that big?? (and yes, i mean u, for that, but please dont confuse the rest of the bullshist for u, i dont have negative or bad feelings or thoughts for u)
when u see someone as special, when u see someone as sweet even though they are being bitter, when u see some as beautiful when they do everythng they can to make themselves look bad, what is that then?
is that being blind, is that just beleiveing what u want, is that expecting to much???
why the fuck do i take shit so litterally.
now i am happy, but is it real??????
alone, i should enjoy it, i do it enough, i dont trust many, so if thats my choice i should live with it.
but i cant.
you say i should take the alone time and learn to enjoy it, but i cant.
i cant make myslef happy.
i need to make some else happy.
do i need validation?
maybe that is so. maybe i need someone else to justify me existence. god knows i am never happy enough on my own.
yet so many people tell me how great single life is, how much they miss it and blah blah blah......
i just dont see it.
am i on this earth to soley make myself happy, or is there a higher calling?
is there something i can do to make a difference for someone else, with out getting anything back though???
the drive to be succesfull, to have have have.
who the fuck wants though?? ya, i'd love a big house, big yard, dog, cat, kids wife,,, all that bullshit... but how????
i dont want alllot.
i want to be loved
i want freinds that would do for i as i would for them
i want to be missed when i am not around, and not becuase i was the goofy wierdo, but because people liked me, but i dont know how.
just be.
just be what.
just be you
who is you?
go out and drink and be silly.
maybe, with freinds, if you had them , its fun
but without that, what is there.
without true friends, what do u wake up for?
anyone trained enough can do my job. there goes 40 hours a week of my life not needed. the 3 hour commute round trip,,,,,,theres another 15 hours a week that isnt needed, and would actually help the enviroment.
is your life woth living if you only live it to not cause other people some small moment of grief if it ended?
the never ending search for purpose and meaning in what is an entirely good and happy and great life.... and it still fucks me up.
brain brain go away, come back another day
and thats just me.
i need to start this with i am happy, really, i am a happy happy person, with a happy happy healthy family.
but then theres me, and i am sick of being me. i am sick of getting on here and writing about how crappy i feel, or crappy i think my life is, or how i should be so happy cause i really dont have anything to be unhappy about, but yet, i am. even my happy posts come across as unhappy,
and i know it.
trust, i dont evem trust myself usually, how the fuck do i trust someone else???? i mean there is bullshit everywhere, with everyone, but how much does it really matter.
do u want me to like u or not??? or do u want me to like who u want to be??? not who u are.
just dont lie or bullshit me??? how hard is that???
but can i do the same, because everyone lies, right???
there are always little lies, little half truths, little manipulations, but its the intention isnt it??? i mean, if someone does bull shit u, but only because they dont want to hurt you, isnt tthat good??? even though in the same way, how do u trust what they say, if they will lie to be nice???
and how do u hold that against them?
what am i doing with life?? 12 years is pretty big, but is it that big?? (and yes, i mean u, for that, but please dont confuse the rest of the bullshist for u, i dont have negative or bad feelings or thoughts for u)
when u see someone as special, when u see someone as sweet even though they are being bitter, when u see some as beautiful when they do everythng they can to make themselves look bad, what is that then?
is that being blind, is that just beleiveing what u want, is that expecting to much???
why the fuck do i take shit so litterally.
now i am happy, but is it real??????
alone, i should enjoy it, i do it enough, i dont trust many, so if thats my choice i should live with it.
but i cant.
you say i should take the alone time and learn to enjoy it, but i cant.
i cant make myslef happy.
i need to make some else happy.
do i need validation?
maybe that is so. maybe i need someone else to justify me existence. god knows i am never happy enough on my own.
yet so many people tell me how great single life is, how much they miss it and blah blah blah......
i just dont see it.
am i on this earth to soley make myself happy, or is there a higher calling?
is there something i can do to make a difference for someone else, with out getting anything back though???
the drive to be succesfull, to have have have.
who the fuck wants though?? ya, i'd love a big house, big yard, dog, cat, kids wife,,, all that bullshit... but how????
i dont want alllot.
i want to be loved
i want freinds that would do for i as i would for them
i want to be missed when i am not around, and not becuase i was the goofy wierdo, but because people liked me, but i dont know how.
just be.
just be what.
just be you
who is you?
go out and drink and be silly.
maybe, with freinds, if you had them , its fun
but without that, what is there.
without true friends, what do u wake up for?
anyone trained enough can do my job. there goes 40 hours a week of my life not needed. the 3 hour commute round trip,,,,,,theres another 15 hours a week that isnt needed, and would actually help the enviroment.
is your life woth living if you only live it to not cause other people some small moment of grief if it ended?
the never ending search for purpose and meaning in what is an entirely good and happy and great life.... and it still fucks me up.
brain brain go away, come back another day