sammy1

bored, tired, lonely, confused.

cant decide if i am happy or sad. i think sad, but i want to be happy.

i should know better, witch is my i shouldnt be so sad about things. or depressed about it.

i guess when people let you down, its kinda understandable, and i know people have shit to do, there own lifes and stuff, but how hard is it to remember to call someone?

or how hard is it to remember me?

the weekend started out great, but then the best parts of it went to hell, and i dont really understand how that happens? what should be a happy happy friday night somehow ends with a really sour taste to it all, and only by me, but i get the idea i was the one that was supposed to feel that way? was it ment to be that way? i mean it would be easier to just outright tell me what the hell is going on, at least for me of course, cause no one wants to get dicked with or lied to or used, but why is it so hard for some people to just be honest?

so what bugs me the most? the fact that i know there is something going on and said person just cant say it? I mean, could the feeling in my gut be totally wrong?? but what else is there?? when u act totally strange, do stuff that is just not you, how do u expect me to react?? how else am i supposed to feel? and now that i feel this way, i cant shake it. i asked once about part of it, and it was totally denied. so when i ask again, and its totally denied, and i dont beleive a word of it, what do i do then?

i know there is something up, be it nothing at all, or be it something major, but when its hidden, and badly hidden, it doesnt leave me with much at all.

so now i am left with that.

ups and downs, right. so now i know shes full of shit about something, and shouldnt that be enough to make my decision for me? should i bother even asking, and listening if there is an answer, even though all i really expect is the same denial, then what.

i guess i know the answers to my own questions, but it kills me. for someone i like, care about more than i should, that claims the same, its really hard to just walk away, especially if its based just on a feeling of mistrust. i cant say for certain, but how often does the gut lie?

its the same old bullshit over again with people, and yes, maybe its long past the time to ask, Maybe its me?

maybe i am the problem, i know i am a bit strange, think to much, put alot of trust in very few people (three, maybe, and then this person, witch is why it hurts so much, i dont put faith and trust into many people, so when it gets shattered, its a hard thing) when i should have known better in the begining, when i should have been smarter about it, when i should have waited longer,,,, but how do u stop what you feel when u feel it??? i cant run away from people for ever, i dont want to, but i cant deal with this stuff anymore either.

witch gets me back to me.

sad, depressed, not so much, more just tired, tired of everything, the bullshit, my job, unreliable freinds, life in genral really. and that kinda scares me at the moment, if it were just depression, or anger, at least its an emotion, being just tired of living, thats just empty nothingness. but i cant even be just that thankfully, i keep thinking its fine, its part of life, tomorrow will bhe better, this will work itself out like everything else, it will be fine, life will move on, but i cant. part of me is happy. family is great, healthy, happy. got a job, got a couple things in life that make me happy, going to the woods soon, so why let one person being a dink hurt so much?

the more i write the more i think.

i cant change it, control, fix it, or anything. its not upto me. i have no control over what she does or how she treats me, if i think shes full of shit, i need to call her on it, and then move on myself. hard to imagine someone that seems so sweet, so kind, so caring, can be this. maybe i was wrong, who knows.

i guess i answered most of my own questions here, i am just tired of life being a job itself, and i am tired of working.

early retirement is always an option....... but reallly, its not, i know its not, i just need a new job i think.

big sigh,,,,,,,,