sammy1

so lets just say i am fucked up a bit.

i think to much

i over analyze

i love beating myself up.

and then i let it get to a point now were there are one or two really easy choices, albeit messy ones i think, that i would never really do,,, i think.

i've never been a trusting person, even though i really do trust everyone (everyone that i shouldnt at least) but what i mean is i dont get close to many people, at all really. but i could so easily

and i hate that.

but i hate fake.

i really really hate fake

and i neve ever want to be fake to anyone

ever, and i mean never ever, not at all. and because of that i cant be normal with people,

everyone at some point is fake. even me, even though u try and try not to be at all, there comes a time, when its either easier for you, or easier for the other person, to just be fake, even a hair, just a little bit, just enough that u barely even know it.

most of my friends (all two of em) are gone. living with girlfriends/fiance, and living a bit of a ways away.

and they are fine, thankfully, they have the girl, and they have other people that even though they know they arent 'true' friends, everyone gets along and plays nice and everyone is 'friends' so to speak.

but not me.

all or nothing, hence my messy mess on occasion that lately i have been thinking would be a good way to resolve things.

so i meet this chick, in the fakest of fake places, and i think, wow, shes beautiful, but shes more than that. and i will never really know, for alot of reasons, timing, circumstance, situation (and what ever other clique i cant spell) but it gives hope.

what if i met this really great chick somewhere other than where i did? i mean, thats the hope isnt it?

thats the part that people cling to in life, when they dont cling to the fakeness around them, they cling to the false (welll, hopefully not false) sense of hope, that they will meet that person were somehow things work out, be it for a day, a week, or a year, but long enough to know its not fake.

thats me, thats why some days are so good, and some are so bad.

as fucked up as that is, it seems real :{

and hence i go from messy way not having to deal with it all, to dreaming and hoping and beleiving it will all turn out ok eventually.......