sammy1

what a difference a few days makes.

Its not scaring me at all, it is who i am at the moment, but to go from being so happy from simple little things a beer on a sunny day with a freind, to so miserable over nothing is just not fun anymore.

better today, and i hope to stay that way, i will run from her,...
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god was my head screwed up last night.......

so today.,,, i see the ex online.......were she shouldnt be,,,,but has every right to be, but also were i shouldnt be looking.

am i that bad? to have things end without a word, oh no, wait, i had to call her and ask to find out:??

am i that pathetic, or is she that much of a bitch?

the sad part is, probably to much...
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i felt like writing something profound and earth shattering and deep and probably depressing about my life, and come and see a note from my favorite friend on here (she's the awesome chicky!!!!) and then i come to realize, it doesnt matter, i have nothing profund to say today, life is life, and life is good, and everyday doesnt have to have a 'profound' and...
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grrrrrrrrrrr!

Happy, but fuckiing bored, with no motivation to live life.

Saw meatloaf and julianna hatfiled both in the last week, been having a good time, just so bored today, i have headache from watching to much tv.

i should just go run or something,,,,, but just cant motivate myself.

free staind show at city hall plaza!!!

perfect night for it, a few beers, and a real happy feeling, cant beat that!!!

Blue Moon beer with a lemon next to an open window in the sun with a breeze in a semi filled bar!!!!

wish everyday could be like that!

sweeeettttness!!!

happy happy happy today!!! I finally took some steps to prductlivley improve my life, and it feels good.

not great, but good, for a change. i am trying to search for that elusive balance in the world, instead of extreme highs followed by extreme lows, no more crashing, although i know it will happen still, i am working on it.

suns has been out...
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the urt, the pain, the sorrow, the misery, the despair, why are such easy things to feel, and why are they so powerful.

why couldnt love and happiness be as easy, and trust and faith, they are all just as powerfull of emotions, but for pain, sorrow, misery and despair, they will never leave you lonely, even though that is what they make you.

they...
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loneliness.... why do i want one who does not want me any more?

depression and despair.......great way to loose weight though...

i just want her.... i dont want anyone esle, i cant think of anything else, i try and try and try,,, but it just comes back down to wanting her, and only her. why? why cant i just let go and detach, why cant...
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another day.... another week.... julys gone......august is upon us..... summer fades.....smiles linger.......smells of the past........

so ya, i am kinda miserable, not liking be back to my lonely self, trying to figure out why i dont make freinds so easily, and why i push people away so easily.....i either let no one in in, or i let one in all the way and to soon,...
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its offcial i, screwed up, and its over, for now anyways, and for now usually means for ever as i have come to learn. Besides, theres no use clinging on to false hope, but i do care about her, and am hoping to stay in touch this time, all the other ex's i drove away, and i was never a fan of being friends after,...
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so i screwed up another one.... well, not really, i had help.

she left it at i need time and space to think..... and i was bad the night before, but not that bad.... but i have realized a few things about my self,,, or should i say re-learned....

well, its been a week, if i dont hear anything, then i will call her tomorrow...
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