Well, I'm a bit late with this. I apologize, but as usual life caught me up and I had other things to do.
Life... is confusing, beautiful, wonderful, and stressful all at once.
I'm still looking for a new place. That is daunting considering the fact that this time I have no extra cash set aside.
I have a new job opportunity, but it's a commission based job. I am not to excited about the idea of my paycheck being inconsistent. I've been thinking more and more about getting a regular 8 to 5 day job and staying where I am now on a part time basis. I shall have no life, but it will help me get ahead financially. Oh responsibility, why do you have to suck so much?
I am going to see my family in Washington from the 3rd to the 8th. I'm not looking forward to seeing them. I've started having nightmares again. They are nothing scary or violent. They are simply arguments. Images of anger and tension boiling over into shouting matches. Far too much like real life.
I am, however, excited about seeing old friends and finally meeting a few more SG members while I'm out there. I think that my friends are going to pretty much keep me away from my family for all but a few hours.
Here, though, I am happy. I haven't had friends like this in years, friends close enough to be better than family. I can't even begin to explain how wonderful this is for me after feeling so very lonely for so long. I haven't been sleeping much because I'm always on the go. I couldn't think of a better reason to lose sleep than being out with friends.
And I am happiest when my friends come together.
I feel like parts of my soul, long forgotten, have been waking up as well. I've been writing again. I even picked up a pencil and some paper and have started to sketch again. I have rediscovered the beauty of losing myself in a good song.
My anxiety seems to be slowly falling away. I still get nervous about somethings, but something inside of me feels free enough to make a fool of myself smiling all the while. I skip down the isles or dance around singing at work if a good song happens play. I get goofy around my friends, telling jokes (i'm not funny btw, but i'm cute so it makes up for the lack of funny), I laugh too loud, I gigglesnort, I skip and spin and dance. I feel like a little kid. I feel a sense of wonder for the world around me. Everything is beautiful. I find that it hurts me when people are angry over foolish things lately. I find that it hurts me even more when I let myself get angry over something inconsequential. These things, they don't deserve the energy it takes to be angry over them, but more than that, they don't deserve to steal away my peace and sense of joy.
I don't know what happened to me, but I like it. I hope it keeps happening.
Today, I am meeting up with TNTkatie. We're going to have Italian food tonight. We like food. lol
At some point today I am going to get the ball rolling and apply to school. I am far too passionate about learning to be stuck in retail. I want to teach. I want to start teaching preferably before I'm 30. This is my number one goal right now. Whatever else happens in life, I will be pursing my dream.
Speaking of dreams...
The one I had three nights ago was awesome (the ones I had the night before last were pretty awesome as well, unfortunately I can't remember them in as much detail). I was living in an apartment in the city (I don't think it was Chicago, maybe it was Seattle, I'm not sure and don't think that it matters much.) A friend sought me out because a girl he knew was in trouble. He hadn't seen her in a few days. He was sure that something had happened to her. I wrapped my arms around him and did my best to console him. I called a few other people that I knew to come over. When they arrived we broke out some gear, high tech shit well beyond anything I am familiar with in real life.
We gathered all that we needed and set out. We checked out her place, her computer history, her call history... on and and on. Then the dream jumps to us going up a hill in the dark of night. There is a large building on the top of the hill. It's exterior walls are all plexiglass. There is no movement as far as we can tell. It appears that there is another set of walls inside the plexiglass. They're solid steel. We creep ever closer, the five of us.
The dream jumps again. We're inside somehow. One of the girls broke the security code. We are climbing through the air ducts like some bad movie. We peer into each room as we pass above it trying to piece together what kind of place we are dealing with. It appears to be an experimental facility. The text subjects are children.
The dream jumps again. We found the girl that was missing, but that was no longer our number one concern. We had to get the children out and far away. We end up in some sort of electrical closet, cramped and uncomfortable. But there is a window at the top. I'm the smallest of the group, so I climb up and mess around with it for a bit and finally pry it open. I tear out the screen and pull my body through the opening. Just outside the window is a small ledge. I walk out onto it and size up the situation. It looks like the best option at the time. Get the kids out the window and get them into the woods nearby and run. The hard part is getting the other adults out.
Bless my mind, it skipped over those details. Everybody is out on the ledge. The kids are terrified. My heart is racing. We are all sweating with tension even though it is quite brisk outside. Yet all has been quiet. As we start to jump down onto the ground flood lights light up the sky and sirens deafen our ears. In the panic, I remember the room we just came from. I tell them to keep going. Don't stop. And don't wait for me. I'll be fine. I slip back in, fall to the ground without anyone to catch me (it was a long drop). I start to open doors to electrical panels. I pull wires, flip switches, and generally fuck things up as much as possible. The lights all go out and the sirens fall silent. The door to the little room flies open and faceless men rush in reaching for me. I scale the wall again, gripping the cold metal hand holds offered by the electrical cabinets. I feel their hands on me. I lose a shoe. They rip my pants. I rush and drop to the ledge and slip and fall to the ground below. I bruise my hands and knees but get up and take off running.
All I remember of the dream from the night before last is that there was a large chain link fence that I had to scale, a large hedge wall to scale, numerous different animals (lions, and tigers, (no bears) but elephants! oh my!) there was also a mansion with ivy crawling up the walls. It was sunny and beautiful. There were guns. And there was a beautiful man too running with me, climbing the fences, and dodging bullets.
Now for some music. I think that my post would feel incomplete without it.
Life... is confusing, beautiful, wonderful, and stressful all at once.
I'm still looking for a new place. That is daunting considering the fact that this time I have no extra cash set aside.
I have a new job opportunity, but it's a commission based job. I am not to excited about the idea of my paycheck being inconsistent. I've been thinking more and more about getting a regular 8 to 5 day job and staying where I am now on a part time basis. I shall have no life, but it will help me get ahead financially. Oh responsibility, why do you have to suck so much?
I am going to see my family in Washington from the 3rd to the 8th. I'm not looking forward to seeing them. I've started having nightmares again. They are nothing scary or violent. They are simply arguments. Images of anger and tension boiling over into shouting matches. Far too much like real life.
I am, however, excited about seeing old friends and finally meeting a few more SG members while I'm out there. I think that my friends are going to pretty much keep me away from my family for all but a few hours.
Here, though, I am happy. I haven't had friends like this in years, friends close enough to be better than family. I can't even begin to explain how wonderful this is for me after feeling so very lonely for so long. I haven't been sleeping much because I'm always on the go. I couldn't think of a better reason to lose sleep than being out with friends.
And I am happiest when my friends come together. I feel like parts of my soul, long forgotten, have been waking up as well. I've been writing again. I even picked up a pencil and some paper and have started to sketch again. I have rediscovered the beauty of losing myself in a good song.
My anxiety seems to be slowly falling away. I still get nervous about somethings, but something inside of me feels free enough to make a fool of myself smiling all the while. I skip down the isles or dance around singing at work if a good song happens play. I get goofy around my friends, telling jokes (i'm not funny btw, but i'm cute so it makes up for the lack of funny), I laugh too loud, I gigglesnort, I skip and spin and dance. I feel like a little kid. I feel a sense of wonder for the world around me. Everything is beautiful. I find that it hurts me when people are angry over foolish things lately. I find that it hurts me even more when I let myself get angry over something inconsequential. These things, they don't deserve the energy it takes to be angry over them, but more than that, they don't deserve to steal away my peace and sense of joy.
I don't know what happened to me, but I like it. I hope it keeps happening.
Today, I am meeting up with TNTkatie. We're going to have Italian food tonight. We like food. lol
At some point today I am going to get the ball rolling and apply to school. I am far too passionate about learning to be stuck in retail. I want to teach. I want to start teaching preferably before I'm 30. This is my number one goal right now. Whatever else happens in life, I will be pursing my dream.
Speaking of dreams...
The one I had three nights ago was awesome (the ones I had the night before last were pretty awesome as well, unfortunately I can't remember them in as much detail). I was living in an apartment in the city (I don't think it was Chicago, maybe it was Seattle, I'm not sure and don't think that it matters much.) A friend sought me out because a girl he knew was in trouble. He hadn't seen her in a few days. He was sure that something had happened to her. I wrapped my arms around him and did my best to console him. I called a few other people that I knew to come over. When they arrived we broke out some gear, high tech shit well beyond anything I am familiar with in real life.
We gathered all that we needed and set out. We checked out her place, her computer history, her call history... on and and on. Then the dream jumps to us going up a hill in the dark of night. There is a large building on the top of the hill. It's exterior walls are all plexiglass. There is no movement as far as we can tell. It appears that there is another set of walls inside the plexiglass. They're solid steel. We creep ever closer, the five of us.
The dream jumps again. We're inside somehow. One of the girls broke the security code. We are climbing through the air ducts like some bad movie. We peer into each room as we pass above it trying to piece together what kind of place we are dealing with. It appears to be an experimental facility. The text subjects are children.
The dream jumps again. We found the girl that was missing, but that was no longer our number one concern. We had to get the children out and far away. We end up in some sort of electrical closet, cramped and uncomfortable. But there is a window at the top. I'm the smallest of the group, so I climb up and mess around with it for a bit and finally pry it open. I tear out the screen and pull my body through the opening. Just outside the window is a small ledge. I walk out onto it and size up the situation. It looks like the best option at the time. Get the kids out the window and get them into the woods nearby and run. The hard part is getting the other adults out.
Bless my mind, it skipped over those details. Everybody is out on the ledge. The kids are terrified. My heart is racing. We are all sweating with tension even though it is quite brisk outside. Yet all has been quiet. As we start to jump down onto the ground flood lights light up the sky and sirens deafen our ears. In the panic, I remember the room we just came from. I tell them to keep going. Don't stop. And don't wait for me. I'll be fine. I slip back in, fall to the ground without anyone to catch me (it was a long drop). I start to open doors to electrical panels. I pull wires, flip switches, and generally fuck things up as much as possible. The lights all go out and the sirens fall silent. The door to the little room flies open and faceless men rush in reaching for me. I scale the wall again, gripping the cold metal hand holds offered by the electrical cabinets. I feel their hands on me. I lose a shoe. They rip my pants. I rush and drop to the ledge and slip and fall to the ground below. I bruise my hands and knees but get up and take off running.
All I remember of the dream from the night before last is that there was a large chain link fence that I had to scale, a large hedge wall to scale, numerous different animals (lions, and tigers, (no bears) but elephants! oh my!) there was also a mansion with ivy crawling up the walls. It was sunny and beautiful. There were guns. And there was a beautiful man too running with me, climbing the fences, and dodging bullets.
Now for some music. I think that my post would feel incomplete without it.
VIEW 25 of 25 COMMENTS
grayness:
I am very glad you enjoyed it 
jinx_removing_:
that Bonnie Prince Billy song.
that Bonnie Prince Billy song.