Why does this weekend feel okay when so many things have fucked themselves up big time? Is it because I'm just beginning to realise that I can't control everyhing (even those things that I think I should be responsible for) or is this just what being really properly happy means? The ability ot go with the flow and accept things the way they are; sometimes "good enough" is just that, good enough.
I don't know, I don't have any answers. Tell me this is in a weeks time when I'm having a freakout again.
Like today my mum and dad came through; my mum went shopping and I spoke to my dad properly for the first time in what seems like years. We talked about the things I'd guessed were wrong with mum and he explained it all, and even though it's not so good news (and I learned that I nearly didn't happen), the certainty of it was weird and reasurring, safer and surer than all the guessing and wondering and worrying of the past years. I hugged my dad goodbye like I haven't done for ever, and somehow I knew and hoped everything would be okay. It felt like being a kid again, believing that because he said it would be ok, it would be.
And the other thing, the weird thing that even though the girl far far away is only a week from home, and I still miss her more than anything, today was the first day since she left when I haven't really wished and wondered. Which seems a strange thing to admit after what seems like forever...
god, I don't know what happens now (and the pessimist inside me, always tells me it's not going to be what I've been hoping for) but I do think I'll find a way through it somehow, and i just want to be her friend again. Be able to hug her and go to galleries and make her dinner without an agenda, a subtext or feeling awkward....
too much to hope for maybe? I don't know, I've got fuck all experience in this, which is sad and pathetic.
but I can only hope.
thank you ava and heather and llona and cherry and ophelia and jenny and eva and people.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx r
how was everyone's weekend?
I don't know, I don't have any answers. Tell me this is in a weeks time when I'm having a freakout again.
Like today my mum and dad came through; my mum went shopping and I spoke to my dad properly for the first time in what seems like years. We talked about the things I'd guessed were wrong with mum and he explained it all, and even though it's not so good news (and I learned that I nearly didn't happen), the certainty of it was weird and reasurring, safer and surer than all the guessing and wondering and worrying of the past years. I hugged my dad goodbye like I haven't done for ever, and somehow I knew and hoped everything would be okay. It felt like being a kid again, believing that because he said it would be ok, it would be.
And the other thing, the weird thing that even though the girl far far away is only a week from home, and I still miss her more than anything, today was the first day since she left when I haven't really wished and wondered. Which seems a strange thing to admit after what seems like forever...
god, I don't know what happens now (and the pessimist inside me, always tells me it's not going to be what I've been hoping for) but I do think I'll find a way through it somehow, and i just want to be her friend again. Be able to hug her and go to galleries and make her dinner without an agenda, a subtext or feeling awkward....
too much to hope for maybe? I don't know, I've got fuck all experience in this, which is sad and pathetic.
but I can only hope.
thank you ava and heather and llona and cherry and ophelia and jenny and eva and people.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx r
how was everyone's weekend?
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Art theory is cool. BUt I'm a complete gimp, too.
Good luck with teh girl.