ruthi

Hello cupcakes.

Today has been boring so far. The library was closed when I went to pick up a book, so I fell back to my old plan of buying the kindle for PC edition of said book on amazon.com. I've become lazy with my book buying habits lately. I refuse to wait for a book; if they don't have it at the library or local bookstore, I order the kindle edition despite the fact that I have no kindle and if I go somewhere, I cannot take the book with me. I blame growing up in the instant gratification generation. Our generation is great, you know. We can have that delicious meal in under 15 minutes; we can buy books and music and movies instantaneously; we can buy clothing and groceries without ever leaving the house; we can have a social life that exists purely online; we can even have sex online. Jesus. We're a pathetic bunch, us Generation Yers.

Oh well. I'm not complaining.

I like being able to purchase my books/movies/music right when I want them. I hate waiting in lines and I hate waiting for a book to be where I need it to be. I want it RIGHT NOW, god damn it, and if I don't get it right now I'll hold my breath and scream until I do. You get the idea. I'm like most of you. I'm a spoiled child despite being almost nineteen years old.

That's another thing I can't wrap my mind around. I'm almost nineteen years old, but a part of me... a big part of me still feels like the thirteen year old girl who was so freaked out about everyone and everything. When I look back on my life, I remember wishing I could be eighteen. I mean, eighteen was my happy number. Once I reached that age, anything would be possible. Well, I found out when I turned eighteen that that was a load of bullshit. First off, for everything to be possible, you need a god damned job. Second off, in order to get said job, you need experience or you need to know someone. Now, if you're like me and you have neither of these things, well, good fucking luck. Since I've turned eighteen I've done a few things: I've graduated high school, I've started college, then promptly dropped out, then promptly dropped back in to do it online for a year to see how things go, I've searched for jobs high and low, I've done just about everything but what I thought I'd be doing at age eighteen.

I guess I've become jaded. You say I don't know what that word means, but here's what I mean: I don't believe in love because every time I've "loved" someone, it turned out they were lying to me to get what they wanted. Love can suck my dick; everything we do is self-motivated whether we realize it or not. The sooner we realize it, the easier our lives will be. Another thing is, humans cannot be trusted. You cannot trust even me. I will lie to you, I will disappoint you, I will let you down and hurt you deeply. It's just how we work. We're a selfish species, us humans. We hurt one another just because we can and then when we're called out on hurting someone we say they're overreacting. We hate being told that we're the bad guy, but guess what, Dorothy, you're the bad guy. You're the one everyone's been warning you about. All of us are horrible and we don't know it. Anything good we do, is so WE can feel good- not so that anyone else can feel good.

Anyways, I'm sorry this blog is a little bit of a downer. I don't really care, though. I'm only human, after all.

xoxo
Ruthi.