Thursday, December 29, 2005
It's a beautiful morning...
12/27/05
A lot has happened in 3 days. Just like always, you can go months without anything at all happening, and then one day it hits you. Life hits you. Complex emotions and feelings tangle up inside, they cripple you. Love cripples. And giving your love away puts you in a vulnerable position. But we give when were happy, and we receive when the other person involved is content. So let me tell you about the past few days of my life. In a nutshell, Ive been seeing more of Kyle and thats always a good thing. It surprises me to think of how comfortable I am with him already. Youd think it would be awkward but I tell you, its not in the least. I cut his hair yesterday and fixed up the craziness that only a knife can produce. I made vegetarian tacos for dinner, and it was pretty good. It wouldve been better Im sure if he hadnt eaten tacos for lunch and on the way over to my place, but what can you do. He gave mine a sporting chance anyways, although you think he wouldnt want to touch them. Good times. We went to see a friend of his, and went on a beer hunt. Unfortunately it was illegal to sell liquor on that day, so we found ourselves in the almost deserted catwalk bar. Had a drink and it made me relax for a bit and feel contented that at least our journey had ended with something positive. We went back to my place afterwards and he stayed the night. Had a good relaxing night while talking about life and things here and there. It felt good to be with him, and to have him with me. But I kept waking up during the night, having nightmares and incoherently explaining them to a poor sleeping Kyle. At one point I pushed him in my sleep because I was dreaming that he was my brother. So the poor boy mightve had a crazy night sleeping next to me on my air mattress. Thats right, I have an air mattress now. For Christmas I got the microwave I wanted! And a gift card to Pier One Imports to encourage me to fill up my apartment with stuff. Always fun.
Time for the discouraging part of my writing. On Christmas Kyle had come over, and after hed left I saw that I had a text message on my phone. It was Les of course, saying Merry Christmas, I miss u . So I contemplated on whether or not to even reply. Then I figured, if he was any friend of mine, Id say Merry Christmas. So I did, and only that. Today Im driving through the mall parking lot and I see the tall and skinny boy walking to his car. I say hi for a second, he holds my hand for a second. Then we leave. And I remember, if hes been in the mall, hes just been avoiding me. Hes probably been in there a lot, and just avoids me. So I got all sad for a minute. Didnt know what to feel at that point. But then again I tried to shrug it off. Whatever. No big deal, Ive written it off, so Ill leave it at that. I was on the way to see Kyle, and get some more candles. Then I find out that my money hasnt cleared the bank yet, so I walk around for a bit before I go back home. I got in my car once again, and turned my music up loud. Sung really loud. Drove a bit further down the street I live on, and it gave me some peace. Thats all Im looking for, a little bit of peace. So, maybe I just have to realize that I think irrationally when Im being emotional.
But life is getting so much better now. I feel really good. This past week has been the first time Ive been happy even at work. And that means something. Ive just felt like lately Ive been establishing myself and who I am, and some of the people Ive been seeing just dont like me completely. Thats one of the things I really like about Kyle. Who I am really is good enough, and I like the fact that someone likes it. Im not about to change, Im having a great time being me. Its so good to just be who you are. Well, I almost forgot to add that I had a kickass Chai this morning .. You know what makes me happy all the way through? Warm drinks and good friends. So heres to another day, another night where Im lucky to be young and independent. Heres to another chance to have fun and live your life. You gotta start living before you start dying.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
cerfur:
im so happy to see your happy
huskysox:
Oh yeah! Go get SG in Tattoo Mag now!!!!