roxiekill

so she is back. back in his life. she called. he answered the phone. he talked to her. he has decided to try to be her friend. this is bad. this is very very bad. he wants her. he loves her. maybe i should get out of his way. why, after a year and a half of ignoring the calls, ignoring the text messages is it suddenly okay for him to talk to her? why? he said the big difference is that when he answered, she actually asked him how he was doing. i believe she is going to try extra hard now to pretend she's something she is not. to pretend she is a caring, loving individual who can make all his dreams come true. she got him to answer the phone. he thinks i dont trust him... well, if he had been talking to her all along, i probably would trust him. but this is happening after almost two years of ignoring her... what will be acceptable two years from now? she's like a disease... his love for her is like a disease... its progressive.
i am glad we talked about this situation... we talked at length about her, and and how i feel and how he feels. we were honest, and open and all that good stuff, but i still feel as though something terrible is going to happen. i explained some things to him about the nature of an obsessed woman's mind. because i dont think he quite understood her intentions when she read the letter he wrote her almost 3 years ago. "i dont know if roxie listens to your voicemail, but i'm going to read it to you anyway"... means " hi roxie, this is just a reminder of how much he loved me, and i will make it happen again...so fuck you" he thought about it for a minute.... and understood what i was trying to say. he then said that if what i was saying was in fact true, he might have to reconsider talking to her. he told me that he thinks she really wants to stop using and is reaching out to someone she knows cares about her.
i told him that he knows all too well about the mind of an addict and that he should really think about her motives. put himself in her shoes, as i have. i see right through the mind games...the manipulation. for i, too am more than capable of playing mind games. i just choose not to. they say that you cant bullshit a bullshitter.... and it is so fucking true... even if the bullshitter has cut back on the bullshit. i can only sit back and wait. if it turns out that he believes she can make him happy, then i will get out of the way. because i want a lot of things for the person i love, but above all, i want him to be happy.
i did tell him that i dont think i can deal with the kindling of a friendshib between them...and that if this progresses and turns into more than a chat on the phone, then i would have to leave for the sake of my sanity. this girl truly makes me insane... although, i do not want him to feel as though he has to keep her a secret from me, because what makes me more psychotic than thoughts of her, is feeling like the man i adore is keeping things from me. anyway, i should stop talking about this. my hands are shaking....

i just feel as though my two biggest fears are happening to me right now. grandpa is dying and alex has come back from the dead.

fuck. work still sucks. at least im not loaded, or in rehab...cause if that was the case i wouldnt be able to be at the hospital everyday, making sure gp knows how much i love him.

i realize i havent suspended in almost a year... maybe thats the problem... i want to hang!!!


k, bye
ps...
thanks doug. xo