roxiekill

I haven't really been updating.
I guess I just really feel like I don't have much to say, and life has been so fucking boring and uneventful that I am begining to question why I even exist.
I long for more body modification, but I don't have the money right now.
I want to drink a couple bottles of Jack and some King Kobra like the old days, but I know where that will take me. Its just not worth it right now.
Sometimes I feel so sick of this fucking site.
And sometimes I feel like its the only place where I am going to be heard.
Everything is pretty much okay, but I still entertain the thought of killing myself every day. And I can't figure out why. I am going through a process of self-discovery and most of the time, I don't like myself. I feel like a stanger to me.
I am going to suspend again labor day weekend. Hopefully after that, I will feel right again.
I miss my friends and family in Salem.
I miss my Oscar dog
and I even miss my parents sometimes.
I miss the feeling of carelessness, confidence and safety the drugs and alcohol used to bring me.
I feel so incomplete. Maybe this is all what comes with being a teenager. I have to constantly remind myself that I AM 18. despite the fact that i am pretty much self-supporting, my boyfriend/best friend/house mate is 35, I work and make my own money.....I am still a teenager. God, I've never really felt my age though. Since I can remember, I've always tried to carry the wieght of the world on my shoulders.
I wish I could take something to make my fucking head stop spinning.
I don't want to die, but I also don't want the responsibilities of living.
But then again....if I hide from responsibility, the only outcome I can come up with is misery.
I have no more enablers. I have already sucked every one dry.
I'm tired.
So tired of everything.
And I cant figure out why