rorschach

It's raining here in So. Cal. Actually it's pouring. All day the weather was slightly gloomy so all I did was catch up on sleep. To say that I have sleep problems is putting it mildly, so the amount of REM sleep that I get is way less than a normal person. It often means that any physical damage this body sustains doesn't heal in the same amount of time as most people. It can be really annoying but I'm used to it.

But the gloominess of the weather doesn't compare to what I feel in my heart. Since I was born, I've always been very, very shy. When I'm tired, I often can't look anyone in the eye. I have to concentrate hard to pay attention to someone without looking away and ... I sometimes emerge from this shyness when I have a bit more energy and want to reach out. And often I overcompensate when I'm trying to do so.

Lately I've been wanting to make a couple more friends so that I have some people to chat with on a daily basis. I reached out to someone here on SG and tried to spark up a friendship with a certain female because it seemed like we had some sort of kindred spirit and the person also seemed like maybe they could use a friend too. (This is one of my best/worst traits; I often can't resist trying to help someone when they seem like they need help, even if it's none of my business...it gets me in trouble all of the time. It also has produced a few of my very best friends...)

So I sent this person a friendly, open message on SG and that person replied, in a friendly but reserved way. I was really tickled to say the least. Then I sent a message explaining what I do for a living and asked her what she does...I chose this topic because it was one of the subjects of her journal. Often when I meet other adults, this is one of the icebreaker types of topics where you discuss what you do for a living...

So naturally what happens? She un-friends me and puts me on ignore. And in the group that I first saw her profile and posts in, she deletes my posts...none of which have anything to do with her or us. (Turns out, I found out she's the group mod in that group...I didn't notice until later, after I started talking to her, so that's how she can do it...) Oddly enough, she didn't just kick me out of the group. I'm deliberately not mentioning the group since even now, I'm feel like the adult and gentlemanly thing to do is to protect that person's privacy.

I guess I committed the heinous sin of trying to make a new friend on a social networking site. Parts of me feel like I should complain, whine about how ugly I feel, be sarcastic or try to do something to make me feel better. It's just another lesson learned. For every happy memory I have on SG, I have three negative ones and it's all due to other peoples' behaviors.

Anyways, it's still pouring heavily outside, the torrents splashing off the roof an on to the wet-sounding concrete...and in my heart. Sorry for such a down journal...but it's what I'm really feeling right now. Oh, and I'm really, really missing all of the old SG friends I had back in 2005-ish... So many of us quit, or just quit posting.

- R