rorie

i didnt go take my test.
call me a coward.. but i knew i wasnt going to pass.
all i have to do is go back to class, for another round (haa)..
and study my ass of. and ill be fine. flash cards - here i come.

my frame of mind is not in the best places.
on top of everything i have already said in my latest posts...

one of my good friends dad died on tuesday in a motorcycle accident. i found out last night. and it didnt really hit me until she came into work today half way through my shift. we cried together.. and i pulled myself together enough to finish my shift.
im going to the service tomorrow.
i came home, and burst into tears in front of my house-mates, and they didnt really ask what was wrong. they just looked at me and i said i didnt want to talk about it.
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it got me thinking about my dad.. and what i would do if he died suddenly.
and i feel more upset that i dont think i would care that much. ive done thinking about that before.. and i really think i would be more angry and upset that i didnt get to say any of the feelings i have about him, to him.
but when it comes down to it - i dont know my feelings.. i just know that i am bitter, and angry at him. for many different things.
if/when i get married, i dont want him to give me away.. because i was never his to give away in the first place.
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ive been on the verge of tears all day.
and its not about just one thing.. its everything pilled up.
and i wasnt ready for it at all.

i dont get it.. things were going really good... and all of a sudden, it turned completly wrong.
nothing i would have expected.
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and now.... i have to brave the downstairs... where both the asshole and the other house-mate are on my couches with their girlfriends.
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if things keep up.. i dont know if im going to make it.