I think I'm lost.
I've been doing some soul searching tonight, after spending the last 48 hours being someone other than myself and watching in horror as this evil me behaved in a seriously humiliating way.
I'm not who I used to be. I know I've grown a lot in the past 18 months. But in a lot of ways I've also regressed. I used to have a spring in my step and a twinkle in my eye. The world was my oyster and I was strutting around like I owned the joint. I know that makes me sound like a cocky kid, but two years ago I had something I'm sorely lacking in now, something it's taken me most of tonight to identify. I used to have confidence and a great self-image. I don't any more and I don't know why.
I don't want people commenting here that I have every reason to be confident or have a good self image. You're all good people and I know you'd mean well by it, but few of you knew me in the days I'm reminiscing about. I really did have the world at my feet.
Since then a lot has changed in my life, and any number or combination of these changes could be what's robbed me of my mojo. All I know is I need to get it back. I don't like who I am at the moment. I feel so helpless and confused all the time when I used to feel in control and sure of everything,
I'm going to look into implementing some life changes to try and rekindle my internal fire. Some of these are minor, self-contained things; getting my bike licence and starting a martial art. I'm getting off night work shortly, and never doing it again...I miss human contact, both at home and at work. But mainly I'm considering trying to radically alter my study arrangements, maybe try to go external or something, so that I can get a real job and feel like a grown up again.
Part of why I feel so bad is that, back in the day, I had it all. I had a great girl by my side, a well paid job that challenged me all day every day, I had money in my pocket and lifestyle to burn. I owned my own car for Christ's sake! (a little thing, true, but self-reliant mobility radically improves my concept of self).
At the moment I look around and see that I'm 32 years old and I have nothing to my name; not the girl, not the money, not the job. I don't even have any grand possessions or experiences to boast about. I have a reasonably interesting lifestyle, but it's taken up more by things I have to do: x-many hours at work, x-number of words for an assignment, x-many dollars I owe to whomever. I don't feel like I'm getting to do much just for me lately, and it isn't helping my state of mind.
So I'd ask any of you who care enough about me to have read this far, to hold your reassurances that I should have a good self image and suggest, if you can, ways you think I might be able to rediscover the empowered me that I seem to have lost. Maybe something you've done yourself if you've ever been through this...
I've been doing some soul searching tonight, after spending the last 48 hours being someone other than myself and watching in horror as this evil me behaved in a seriously humiliating way.
I'm not who I used to be. I know I've grown a lot in the past 18 months. But in a lot of ways I've also regressed. I used to have a spring in my step and a twinkle in my eye. The world was my oyster and I was strutting around like I owned the joint. I know that makes me sound like a cocky kid, but two years ago I had something I'm sorely lacking in now, something it's taken me most of tonight to identify. I used to have confidence and a great self-image. I don't any more and I don't know why.
I don't want people commenting here that I have every reason to be confident or have a good self image. You're all good people and I know you'd mean well by it, but few of you knew me in the days I'm reminiscing about. I really did have the world at my feet.
Since then a lot has changed in my life, and any number or combination of these changes could be what's robbed me of my mojo. All I know is I need to get it back. I don't like who I am at the moment. I feel so helpless and confused all the time when I used to feel in control and sure of everything,
I'm going to look into implementing some life changes to try and rekindle my internal fire. Some of these are minor, self-contained things; getting my bike licence and starting a martial art. I'm getting off night work shortly, and never doing it again...I miss human contact, both at home and at work. But mainly I'm considering trying to radically alter my study arrangements, maybe try to go external or something, so that I can get a real job and feel like a grown up again.
Part of why I feel so bad is that, back in the day, I had it all. I had a great girl by my side, a well paid job that challenged me all day every day, I had money in my pocket and lifestyle to burn. I owned my own car for Christ's sake! (a little thing, true, but self-reliant mobility radically improves my concept of self).
At the moment I look around and see that I'm 32 years old and I have nothing to my name; not the girl, not the money, not the job. I don't even have any grand possessions or experiences to boast about. I have a reasonably interesting lifestyle, but it's taken up more by things I have to do: x-many hours at work, x-number of words for an assignment, x-many dollars I owe to whomever. I don't feel like I'm getting to do much just for me lately, and it isn't helping my state of mind.
So I'd ask any of you who care enough about me to have read this far, to hold your reassurances that I should have a good self image and suggest, if you can, ways you think I might be able to rediscover the empowered me that I seem to have lost. Maybe something you've done yourself if you've ever been through this...
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
At least get to drive the girls sister's astra back from Sydney tomorrow night, that should be fun.
As you can see though, I managed to live through it and come out the other side a better person. So first of all, my advice is, don't give up.
I used to get panic attacks - ten, fifteen times a day. If you're there, or anywhere remotely close to there, see a psychologist. I have a good one and his center is in New Farm.
Your lifestyle: The changes that you mentioned above will be the absolute best step in the right direction, but be careful not to put too much pressure on yourself or you will end up feeling very disapointed. Things change slowly, but everything is possible.
Through everything, the best advice that I can give you is THINK POSITIVE. Your thoughts are your reality, and your perspective is everything. Over and over until it's all that you're mind has inside it. Say it with me: "I am happy now, I am ok."
Other than that, I left a book on your chair that I think you should read, if you find time. Test it out and see if it can help you, if not, then you can always talk to me.
xo