rook

quick forward, it's a little late and as I'm adjusting to the zoloft I can't as accurately pinpoint or articulate things as I usually do, but I'll try. I also have a habit of gigantic run on sentences, which in retrospect I'm editing but yeah, excuse any shiteous basic english structure.

voice of god - my favourite, and probably one of the most well written, stylistic pieces out of the selection. Out of all your short pieces it's one of the few that aptly conveys, with some structure and artistic closure, a fragment in time. I can see this easily as an except from something larger, yet it is still complete in itself. Some of the others felt a little incomplete, as if you had tasks or university assignments based on style, thoughts, ideas or themes set and had a word limit or control on how much you could elaborate, so this one in it's entirety is the most alluring. The character has a cohesion with the environment, and probably out of my own character curiosity, the reader wants to delve into his psychology and hold an interest in him. It's the more emotive out of the collection, and while I can't dissect it exactly, if I was to see a longer version of the work, it seems to have more of your "voice" without sounding corny. A uniqueness, style and flow that is distinctly you. Whereas the other pieces of work seem to come in a structure then word process, rather than an idea, a flow and then the restructuring at the end.

The Death of Joseph Brass once again seemed like you'd visualised a scenario, and the imagary was strong, but almost too close to a movie type. I'm not sure maybe I'm just desensitised to those stories, but while I think you omitted intent purely for the thought provoking nature of the piece, or to give it substance, there wasn't enough either inner dialogue or psychological reasoning. Maybe scene setting to at least illuminate the inner torment at why he would resort to killing is family first before undertaking what was required of him. Maybe you need some more character indentification through the audience, or to expand on the phone voice, humanise or use it as a substantial contrast/opposite character to give it more depth.

Like I said, I keep getting the feeling some of these pieces are more uni assignments that you've structured and polished to a course framework, and there is more, similar to the voice of god hiding that you won't reveal.

The clocks drift was beautiful in the sense that it brought out a lot of old world I guess comes to mind, the more classical, poetical literary style/voice. The relationship between the clock and it's maker was beautifully written,

I loved this part:

My children have no harmony any longer. Instead of singing in unison, they each tell a different tale. The cacophony is nigh unbearable. They have been perverted by the evil taint of chaos. And I could not prevent it. Oh, this frustration taunts me so.

Lord, why have you forsaken me?


I kept seeing in my mind an overriding deeper metaphor for how our actions and ideals both corrupt and follow paths in which we at inception, were largely unforseen. A sort of mirroring of the grief and regret you see people feeling when the world inexplicably changes to it's own timing and discourse.

With Someone I had that song going through my head the entire time, I forget who sings it, but yeah, that's irrelevant but not sure if that was the muse for the entire piece. I feel like somehow it could almost be written back to front, bringing the bus, commoness, humanity into the forefront of the piece and then enlightenment and reinforcement at the end. Sounds strange, but almost in the structure of the old parables, indentification with a scenario, a person, realisation and message. Why is he back? Can he explain? Is there sorrow, grief, happiness, joy, elation, pride? Then back to the bus clincher.

I really like end of story too, that doesn't need much editing and is more complete, probably that and voice of god are your two best, once again, your style coming through. Maybe one more paragraph betwen the third and forth showing her reactions to every word, the timing, does she writhe at each letter, is is the words themselves as food and substinence or is it the soul behind them? Like word, action, reaction. The link could be a little stronger to make his hopelessness and exhaustion complete.

With the essay, read that too, liked your grab! Adding that on the to-research-and-read list. I had some comment but I forgot it, so uh yeah.

Hope I didn't scare you off, and that all of this didn't come across as dishearting or critical, just I'd love to read more and yeah well, it's always good to get decen't feeback.