1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"
4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"
7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
8. I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.