Hey All,
Hmm..first entry,first entry. Sade sang the lines "its never as good as the first time." I beg to differ, but on the other hand its sorta true. I know all too well you really can not go home again-if that makes any sense.
I hate to bitch, but I am really not feelin my life right now. Thats so pathetic too, cause I know dispite the chaos, life has mad shit thats good. There is music and books. There is dancing like I am the girl from flashdance when no one is around, or better yet, when everyone is around. Where is everyone anyway. I think I'm just lonley. No, I know I am lonley, and I hate that cause to admit to being lonesome would also make me admit I need people, and I hate that. I hate needing anything-worse, I hate wanting. People suck! They do nothing but use you up! But even as I write that I know that is not completly true, cause I love people, and the stupid shit they do. I think its funny. I think its charming. Like I said, I'm sorry to bitch, I have just been having a horrible past few weeks. Actually, I have been having a horrible year, but shit was looking up, ya know. I thought I was getting into the groove of shit, like I was finding a place for myself. I was going out, meeting people, seeing things. Granted I do this sort of shit all the time, but I always do it on my own, and recently, I had actaully been out with other indiviuals. Who would of thunk it?? I was going out with people, and I was actually believing that people were understanding me, feelin me. More importantly, I was feelin them. Bullshit. I attract fucking leeches. Maybe that means there is a little leech in me too-don't know, birds of a feather right? But you see, I am completly aware of my ability to cling to people I really dig, so I have, over the years trained myself extremly well in not being needy at all. I ihate being suffocated and I do not want to suffocate anyone. I admire people who are comfortable in their own zone, I gravitate towards them. I don't meet people like that much-hence why I stay solo a lot. I want people in my life who are completly aware the world owes them nothing, and they in return do not expect a damn thing. I know by now that there is no one in the world who can save me-no one but me, that is.
I'm a women on a mission. I have been on this mission for awhile now, but its been a very difficult journey so far. The mission was/is pretty damn simple:Live life. Not just exist either, but I mean, grab lifes balls and fucking suck them dry-'scuse the expression. I can do this on my own just fine, but like I said before or at least was about to say, it would be nice to have some other people sucking the shit out of lifes balls with me, ya know? Sometimes I think I meet people like that, not often, but sometimes, but all the time, well 95% of the time, they have something very very wrong with them. With the exception of a few people, everyone I meet who fit the slb (sucking lifes balls) critera are fucking junkies!!!! How come I do not notice this when Ii meet people?? I don't know? Cause I do drugs and I am by no means a junkie!! I do have a addictive personality, but I am not addicted to drugs, thats for sure. Some people live to do drugs, I mean that is seriously their life. I guess that is what addiction does to you though-it takes over your life. I know that better then anybody. It just sucks man. I just want to go out to the clubs and dance my ass off, come home all sweaty, make-up drippin off my face, take a hit from a joint, dance around in my underwear, be kissed on the mouth, and pass the fuck out. I just want to go outside and do cartwheels in the grass and throw water ballons at all the bitchlets I see driving down the street who think they are really hot shit, cause they have honey blond highlights. I just want to be in NYC cause it always makes me remember that the world is still beautiful, even if their are a lot of ugly people in it. Hell, maybe I am one of the ugly ones too, but I don't want to be. I repent for all my sins damn it, I confess all of my sins damn it, I've undressed for all my many many many sins.Amen.
Ok, on the lighter side-I really love this fucking website. All the girls!!....yummy yummy. Don't get me wrong, cause I love the fellas! I really fuckin do, but c'mon now, a world without the ladies?????? Imagen the nightmare. Dispite the pms, we are so fun! I have mad crushes on a few of the girls at the moment, but ever shy, I will not disclose any names. Ok, maybe one. Can I just say Snow is so fucking hot. She is hubba hubba hot. Ooh yah.
Ok, I am downloading music, so I must go.
