fiat lux
let there be light
"i suddenly realized that the universe is nothing but light light light!"
henry miller, from a letter to anais nin
as fragmented as i feel at the moment, it's hard to imagine just what exactly it is that binds together the atoms composing me.
i have never felt comfortable in this body. claustrophobic might be the right word. from as early as i can remember i've had these thoughts. no reverance for life on this plane, as a member of the human race.
"i live in that solitude that is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity"
einstein
i'm only 23 but i'm already over the pain of loneliness. i remember when it used to be a physical ache that emanated from the very center of my being. i think it was by the end of my year long residence in vancouver that it began to subside. but that's also when i began to drink heavily.
i went through a phase where i binge drank everyday for about a year, mainly during my year in new mexico. and it was the only time in my life that i could be described as "social". since sobering up last september, in the catskills (i still drink and party in moderation) i feel like i've lost alot of my ability to socialize. that same awkwardness and anxiety of my youth has returned. i feel inadequate in conversation. and i'm talking about with people who i know and love. i can no longer hide the fact that i really don't give a shit about the human drama. i avoid people and interaction. and i think it's begining to piss people off.
but i refuse to apologize for wanting to be alone.
i've always felt conversation was over-rated. especially in western cultures. i tend to have more regard for silence. i know who it is that i truly love in this life. and it's those that i've been able to be silent with.
music, laughter, and the written word also trump conversation for me as means of communication and expression and art.
sometimes i believe that humanity is a joke played on the soul/matter/energy, and it's up to the individual to liberate themselves from their prison of a body.
i'd love to transpose these atoms composing me into a river stone, a neutron star, rainforest soil, or cosmic dust.
"i'm scared of ever being born again, if it's in this form again"
devendra banhart
i fear nothing.
i revere nothing, with the exception of the universe and my place in the infinite flux, that is to say, i revere everything!
with age i've found a great power in this.
if one doesn't fear death, what else is there to be scared of?
i am at home wherever i go. i have traveled around the globe all by my lonesome. it's not always easy. there has been plenty of suffering. but only strength and true beauty comes of it.
i paint. i write. i love. i sew, bead, dance, sketch, sing.
i frequently consult the pendulum and the tarot. but if you ask me about fortune telling i will roll my eyes. how can you tell the future if it doesn't exist? there is only the here and the now. the present you dwell in. you are at the helm of your destiny one second at time.
i keep my mystic side private because i can't hide my irritation when i get reactions like "ooo teach me how to spell cast!". you don't get it. there is magik in your intention! the action is the ritual. your voice is powerful. so mote it be!
sometimes i worry about what road i'm taking. the road of the steppenwolf.
i smile and giggle and play nice to hide the snarling misanthrope inside.
but whenever i try to take part in society i shrivel and end up running away. it happened in LA and in Albuquerque. just like a wolf retreating to the wild of the woods.
i've been free too long. how the hell could i be cast back into the shackles of civilization?
i've never had money. and i am so grateful for that. i know how to exist on nothing. i haven't been to a dentist in three years. i've never had a manicure and i don't know what it feels like to wear expensive lingerie. at the moment there is a wire poking into my left breast. i have two pairs of shoes, chuck taylors that i've had since i was 19 and a pair of black thriftstore cowboy boots. i've never owned an ipod or a car, don't have a computer, or an address.
and i couldn't care less. i am young. i channel every dime into seeing new horizons. i can sleep in the open air. live for two weeks on a loaf of bread. to exist here i need nothing beyond the beating of my heart and air entering my lungs.
i don't believe in excess. i believe the only true sin besides violence is accumulated wealth.
and i will not apologize for that.
i am the daughter of a carpenter, the most hard working, good natured man on the planet.
health insurance? retirement? the working poor don't need them when they have real love, truth, and beauty.
please don't think me some leftist radical about to preach on how to obtain a utopian world. for that, i would have to have faith in human beings.
and please don't think me a bitter, sour soul either. i wander the planet in gratitude. in light, the dimension beyond. in a univers of my own creation. it's fun!
i am merely trying to explain why i can't take part in the world. the human world. the material and the vain.
i am more than happy to take part in the earth.
i can't forgive the collective human machine for putting holes in the atmosphere and leaving dead patches in the ocean that we crept out of.
i can't forgive the collective human machine for waging war.
i don't know why i care to write.
it's the human in me that i can't deny.
sorry to be so fragmented and cynical. don't really know where it came from. but there are just those times (gee thanks, hormones) when you have to speak your mind, rant and rave like a lunatic. i choose not to medicate so this is my outlet at the moment, without rockenroll or alcohol or sex to sedate me. i may have revealed too much. i don't think i've ever been so introspective in a public journal.
but i think i put enough good in there, no?
i see that there are some private messages in my box. i can't check them right now because the library's server is blocking them. strange, the SG site is fine but that certain page is inaccesible. if it's important shoot me an e-mail at littleredmess@gmail.com
i'm catching the ferry to crete tomorrow and will be away for a couple weeks, hitchen and beach bummen around the beautiful western side of the island, in Chania. the city that's been inhabitited continuosly since the minoans! that's 5000 years!
light and love and as the prophet woody guthrie wood say "take it easy but take it!"
-maggie
let there be light
"i suddenly realized that the universe is nothing but light light light!"
henry miller, from a letter to anais nin
as fragmented as i feel at the moment, it's hard to imagine just what exactly it is that binds together the atoms composing me.
i have never felt comfortable in this body. claustrophobic might be the right word. from as early as i can remember i've had these thoughts. no reverance for life on this plane, as a member of the human race.
"i live in that solitude that is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity"
einstein
i'm only 23 but i'm already over the pain of loneliness. i remember when it used to be a physical ache that emanated from the very center of my being. i think it was by the end of my year long residence in vancouver that it began to subside. but that's also when i began to drink heavily.
i went through a phase where i binge drank everyday for about a year, mainly during my year in new mexico. and it was the only time in my life that i could be described as "social". since sobering up last september, in the catskills (i still drink and party in moderation) i feel like i've lost alot of my ability to socialize. that same awkwardness and anxiety of my youth has returned. i feel inadequate in conversation. and i'm talking about with people who i know and love. i can no longer hide the fact that i really don't give a shit about the human drama. i avoid people and interaction. and i think it's begining to piss people off.
but i refuse to apologize for wanting to be alone.
i've always felt conversation was over-rated. especially in western cultures. i tend to have more regard for silence. i know who it is that i truly love in this life. and it's those that i've been able to be silent with.
music, laughter, and the written word also trump conversation for me as means of communication and expression and art.
sometimes i believe that humanity is a joke played on the soul/matter/energy, and it's up to the individual to liberate themselves from their prison of a body.
i'd love to transpose these atoms composing me into a river stone, a neutron star, rainforest soil, or cosmic dust.
"i'm scared of ever being born again, if it's in this form again"
devendra banhart
i fear nothing.
i revere nothing, with the exception of the universe and my place in the infinite flux, that is to say, i revere everything!
with age i've found a great power in this.
if one doesn't fear death, what else is there to be scared of?
i am at home wherever i go. i have traveled around the globe all by my lonesome. it's not always easy. there has been plenty of suffering. but only strength and true beauty comes of it.
i paint. i write. i love. i sew, bead, dance, sketch, sing.
i frequently consult the pendulum and the tarot. but if you ask me about fortune telling i will roll my eyes. how can you tell the future if it doesn't exist? there is only the here and the now. the present you dwell in. you are at the helm of your destiny one second at time.
i keep my mystic side private because i can't hide my irritation when i get reactions like "ooo teach me how to spell cast!". you don't get it. there is magik in your intention! the action is the ritual. your voice is powerful. so mote it be!
sometimes i worry about what road i'm taking. the road of the steppenwolf.
i smile and giggle and play nice to hide the snarling misanthrope inside.
but whenever i try to take part in society i shrivel and end up running away. it happened in LA and in Albuquerque. just like a wolf retreating to the wild of the woods.
i've been free too long. how the hell could i be cast back into the shackles of civilization?
i've never had money. and i am so grateful for that. i know how to exist on nothing. i haven't been to a dentist in three years. i've never had a manicure and i don't know what it feels like to wear expensive lingerie. at the moment there is a wire poking into my left breast. i have two pairs of shoes, chuck taylors that i've had since i was 19 and a pair of black thriftstore cowboy boots. i've never owned an ipod or a car, don't have a computer, or an address.
and i couldn't care less. i am young. i channel every dime into seeing new horizons. i can sleep in the open air. live for two weeks on a loaf of bread. to exist here i need nothing beyond the beating of my heart and air entering my lungs.
i don't believe in excess. i believe the only true sin besides violence is accumulated wealth.
and i will not apologize for that.
i am the daughter of a carpenter, the most hard working, good natured man on the planet.
health insurance? retirement? the working poor don't need them when they have real love, truth, and beauty.
please don't think me some leftist radical about to preach on how to obtain a utopian world. for that, i would have to have faith in human beings.
and please don't think me a bitter, sour soul either. i wander the planet in gratitude. in light, the dimension beyond. in a univers of my own creation. it's fun!
i am merely trying to explain why i can't take part in the world. the human world. the material and the vain.
i am more than happy to take part in the earth.
i can't forgive the collective human machine for putting holes in the atmosphere and leaving dead patches in the ocean that we crept out of.
i can't forgive the collective human machine for waging war.
i don't know why i care to write.
it's the human in me that i can't deny.
sorry to be so fragmented and cynical. don't really know where it came from. but there are just those times (gee thanks, hormones) when you have to speak your mind, rant and rave like a lunatic. i choose not to medicate so this is my outlet at the moment, without rockenroll or alcohol or sex to sedate me. i may have revealed too much. i don't think i've ever been so introspective in a public journal.
but i think i put enough good in there, no?
i see that there are some private messages in my box. i can't check them right now because the library's server is blocking them. strange, the SG site is fine but that certain page is inaccesible. if it's important shoot me an e-mail at littleredmess@gmail.com
i'm catching the ferry to crete tomorrow and will be away for a couple weeks, hitchen and beach bummen around the beautiful western side of the island, in Chania. the city that's been inhabitited continuosly since the minoans! that's 5000 years!
light and love and as the prophet woody guthrie wood say "take it easy but take it!"
-maggie
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
I don't think there are words enough to tell you how much I envy you.
I agree with mr.eldorado. make with the pictures!
enjoy these foreign lands and keep us updated, be it with unadulterated ramblings or details of your travels.
stay free, lovely <3